Brown Accents: a beautiful life is in the accents

2011-09-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Due to a variety of reasons, I am no longer posting on this blog. I am continuing to blog elsewhere, and if there is anyone interested in reading, please shoot me an email and I will reply with the new site.

brownaccents@gmail.com
Thanks.

accents: follow your lead

2011-08-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

The ease of our nightly routine these days make me wonder if the hardship of our girl's early days really existed or if they were only a figment of my imagination. I remember distinctly the around the clock every two hour feedings and the lack of sleep that resulted with from it. There were days when I had to will my body to go to sleep at 8pm because I knew that I would have to be awake during the hours the world sleeps. As vivid as these memories, they seemed to have happened a lifetime ago, because nowadays come nine o'clock, my girls eyes beg for a bed and as soon as it is found I know she would be out until the morning.

Over the weekend, an extremely busy, tiring but fun weekend, my girl goes down to sleep every night like a light, not needing much comfort from this equally tired mama. On Sunday night, as I set the alarm clock for the following Monday morning, my tired baby was stirring in her attempt to put herself to sleep, she sat up in her slumber with her eyes half opened, her hands frantically searching for something. I reached out to try to sooth her back to sleep and instantly when she found my arm, she took it, wrapped it gently on her torso with my fingers resting comfortable on her cheeks, and she went back out. I stayed that way for the next 30 minutes with her, needing to stay like that more for myself than for her.

My big girl, somehow over a span of the last week, learned exactly how to communicate what she wants. Almost as automatic as the day she turns one, she exhibits behaviors suiting of her new big girl status. She is opinionated, she is talkative (in that baby mumbo jumbo way). And in the midst of all the craziness of the day of a mom who also works full time, I am validated by these simple instances where I am sought for comfort to finally put a tossing baby into deep slumber. I provide that comfort, and it is only made possible with trust that is built over time. She counts on me. She seeks out for me. She needs me. I have been there, and trust is built.

Being a mother has by far been one of the hardest yet easiest journey for me. Trying to figure out the language of an infant is hard but they are also so easy to forgive mistakes. For the most part, I realized that most often times, if I listen closely and follow her lead, we both have an easier time figuring each other out. I wish I can say the same for some of the other tasks in my life...

::I carry the struggle of a working mother every single day with me. Some days, the battle raged bigger than others. For instance, I took Lia in for her 1 year check up recently. Unbeknownst to me, she got a slew of shots that left my heart ached longer than her aching thighs and arms. Consequently, it left her super fussy. Next to us, there was another mother in the same situation, and out of the corner of my ears, I heard her negotiated with her son that if he would just put up with it a little longer, they will go to the park afterwards and have some fun. I couldn't hold the same negotiation with my girl because right after that, I get to drop her off to grandma and off to work I go. It broke my heart.

::August is a new month of celebration, filled with births, of new ones and of old ones. Our girl went to a pirate-themed birthday party and made a mighty fine pirate herself...

and a duck...

and a pig...

::first time playing with a finger puppet and she got such a kick out of it. She's so curious and the things that bring her joy these days really made me think twice about what brings me joy at these days and age. I am humbled by her discoveries, and my own discoveries.

::I discovered this summer that my girl loves a great many things, some of which being water and animals.

She was trying so hard to call the ducks to come to her.

This coming Saturday, we will host her party. I'm excited for all the planning to come together and a celebration of this special time in our girl's life, and in our lives.

Accents: Becoming one

2011-08-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

accents: random tidbits that heighten the mundane of life into lovely memories.

Today, our family of four reached a great milestone. Our first born, our only human child, turned one, and it makes this mama’s heart ache. I am overjoyed, as texts from friends and family poured into our cell phone’s inbox to express their excitement for our little family for having reached this time and place. I am humbled by the love that surrounds our girl. At the same time, I am grieving for the fleeted time that can never get back as the clock ticks towards the anniversary of our girl’s arrival. In some ways, I am grateful for having the foresight to enjoy it as much as possible.

During her first year of life, I have instinctively and capably wrapped her in my love and protection. It’s such an easy task to accomplish. Every day that her comprehension level sharpens, I am acutely aware that above and beyond loving her, I am also charged with the great responsible of teaching her.

I believe that the world is full of good: good people, good things and good intentions. But having lived these short 28 years of my life, I am also privy to the ugliness of this world. I need to teach my girl both sides of the same coin, while shaping her to BE the good part of it.

I don’t know how to do that yet and I’m learning as I go, and there is no concrete evidence that it is working yet. Only time will tell. But I believe that empowering my kids and equipping them with confidence and self esteem will help them guard off those occasional moments where someone beat them down through insults and other emotional injuries, by laughing it off or better yet, learn from them and never repeat them unto other. I would hope that she would raise it to another level of possibility and use her experience of being pulled under water and in turn throw a life raft to someone else.

During her first year of life, I have became a pro at taping the diaper tabs snugly and comfortably, mixing bottles in pitch dark and finding the hungry seeking mouth perfectly, how to sway overtired baby into a slumber. All of this pales in comparison to the greater task of raising a child to feel loved and valued and developing her unique traits and characteristics, so that she can cope with the ugly of this world. Often times, it is so easy to wallow in self-pity (I know from experience) but I need to show her how to thrive in those circumstances to ensure her own survivor and the quality of life she deserves, so that she can in turn empower others and change the world.

On the happy occasion of my girl turning one, I am overjoyed while feeling a little down at the great responsibility of being her Mama, and consequently at the lack of instructions on how to execute on those responsibilities. For now I will let those thoughts churn in my head, and focus on the girl of the hour.

::traditions - we established a lot of traditions during her first year, some of which required a lot of time and money, but now that the year closed, it is so worth it to have the memories.

Monthly pictures - with her lying down.

Monthly pictures - with her sitting.

Monthly pictures - with cupcakes (same number of cupcakes for the number of months. I think we single-handedly funded the local business).

::birthday party - I am getting ready for her birthday party, approaching in 1.5 weeks. These are two of the completed projects. 100 more to go...keep telling myself that it will be worth it in the end, when it all comes together.

::Beautiful things in life are worth capturing. So true.

::cake smash - a growing tradition of turning one that we had to part-take in. If nothing else, we got one heck of a photograph out of it.

Lia: 1 year

2011-08-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

My girl,

Today, you turned one. As we approached this huge milestone of your life, I have been in denial the past few weeks, willing time to slow down a little bit so that I can enjoy you as a baby. Today you have graduated to toddler. I have spent many nights twirling in my head the sweet memories of the days leading up to your arrival. Oh the sweet anticipation of my first born will forever be sketched in my memories. While many more memories have since been built on top of them, those are some of the sweetest memories that I still carry today. I may be speaking out of element, but I imagine that the anticipation of the arrival of a first born child is a once in a lifetime experience. You are and will forever be our first born.

There are so few words to describe the incredible joy of being your mother the last year, and the luxury of having such an enormous amount of love all wrapped up in a little child and having that love readily available within my arms’ reach.

Within your first year of life, I have intuitively wrapped you in a blanket of security and love, and have given you roots within our home and in your greater environment. As a consequence, you blossomed as you grow, in front of my very eyes, seeking your confidence from your parents’ love and protection. You occasionally challenged your own fears and I have the rare luxury of witnessing the power of your success in conquering them. It is inspiring.

But while you grow, a budding fear manifested itself within me as a consequence of giving so much of my love to one single person. I am coming to the realization that as I am giving you roots, I will also have to give you wings one day and that day is fast approaching as evident by how fast this first year had flown by. It is becoming much clearer to me that the root is by far the easier part.

I have no idea what the second year will hold for you, or the years after that. All I know is that while I have the luxury of being your mother, I will cherish the days I have with you, make sure you know how much you are loved, not only by me but also by the village surrounding you. When you find your wings, know that there is always a place for you in our home, our hearts and our arms, where you can be rooted.

You are so loved.

Mama

accents: starting over

2011-07-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

accents: random tidbits that heighten the mundane of life into lovely memories.

The past 10 days have been one hell of a time. I knew that taking on a new job in the midst of chaos was going to be well, hell, but I had completely forgotten what starting over feels like and I am thoroughly reminded.

I am no longer that college virgin who tucked a measly poor excuse for a document I called a resume into the pocket of a leather bound portfolio, tucked at the pit of my arm, reporting to work on the first day at a "real" job. The past six years had given me enough experience to fill up a whole page of the resume with great content that sells me and make people believe in my capabilities. And though I am now armed with a newly polished resume, as I report to my first day on the "real" second job, all the feelings embodied within the twenty two year old came rushing into this twenty eight year old body, and settled itself comfortably at the pit of my stomach.

There is a new learning curve and I am constantly having to remind myself that this too will pass, just like it did 6 years ago. One day I will look back to this day and realize that all the anxieties and emotions were for naught. One day the tasks of today will become a routine, a mindless exercise. I am qualified for the job, my resume said so, people believe so. I sold it. Now it is to prove it to them. And to myself.

:::As I am battling my own anxiety over my capabilities, my girl is exuding the confidence of a toddler that she is quickly becoming, including walking like a big girl. The last two weeks, she had taken off (literally) and all of the sudden her preferred method of mobility are her two feet.

She had been standing now for more than 3 months, and we thought she would surely start walking around the ten months mark. She surprised us all by continuing to crawl for a good three months before she even start to take a step. Somehow in the last two weeks, she just stood up and walked. I now have a little girl trotting around my house and I am loving the fact that at any turn of the corner, I could find my girl quietly standing there greeting me with her infamous giant smile.

:::I am feverishly making and crafting for her upcoming one year birthday party. It is by no mean an elegant over-the-top affair, but it is going to be a full of home-made goodness with a lot of love.

:::I was what they call a late bloomer. Throughout high school, I considered myself one of the ugly ducklings of my class. I didn't really discover the power of make-up and clothes (at least the right kind) until well into college, specifically after my 21st birthday. I understand it now, and continue to discover the right kind for the right occasion. Maybe it is an attribute of discovering it late, or maybe it is the lack of awareness altogether, but I am continue to be surprised at how much power there lays within curled hair, smoky-eyes and a fitted dress. I have a feeling that it is much more powerful when it is externally noticed but internally oblivious.

As a case in point, my friend had a yard sale recently that I helped with. I was simply wearing a short pair of shorts, my hair still curled left over from the previous day's wedding, I was chasing after my one year old that required me to bend down quite a bit. Apparently, that attracted a couple of males who ended up purchasing $20 worth of stuff. While everyone else present insisted that was the case, I continue to day am unconvinced of its power, simply and especially because I didn't even have any make up on that day.

The point of that story is not to gloat, because simply I am not even convinced that I am beautiful by any standard, but it is to demonstrate that sometimes, being unaware may be the most attractive thing about beauty, by whatever standards.

While I willingly admit that my daughter is beautiful (I am a tad bit biased), I do hope to instill in her a balance between her own awareness of that fact and what others perceived her to be. I'm still struggling with how to do that. If I am to be unsuccessful, I at least hope to delay that awareness for as long as possible, until she knows how to use that power wisely.

:::I am struggling a bit with the concept of "working for the man" and the politics that come with it. I am coming to term with the fact that while I have 6 years under my belt, I still have at least 30 years left in my career. That is a long time to be struggling with the concept, especially if I am to be in the midst of it. I am slowly understanding my worth and the pay I get at my job reflects that mount of shit I have to deal with. There really isn't a free lunch. I am becoming envious of those who hold jobs in the home, where there are admittedly politics present, but at least it is with people they love and who love them in return. It eases the blow, or does it now?

When significant changes happen in life, such as a change in a job, there is an exquisite opportunity of starting over, but there is also anxiety of failure, extra efforts in discovering the unknown. These alone make for one heck of a stressor.

the summer holiday

2011-07-05T15:28:00.000-07:00

Although Memorial Day is the holiday that typically kick start summer, I typically find July 4th to be more fitting due to the sheer heat that typically comes around this time of the month. Over the weekend, the weather god brought us >100 degree heat, and we greeted it head on in our bikini attires.

I did something that I have never done in my 28 years of life - I went to the movie theater by myself on the first day of my 5 day weekend. The day was beckoning for me to do something daring. I had the day off of work, the heat was scalding, my baby is with her grandmother, I had nothing else to do because everyone else was at work. So I said goodbye to a friend I was chatting with, jumped in the shower, headed out the door make-up-less and purchased my one movie ticket for the 2:40 showing of Bridesmaids. It was hilarious, and I sat there in the dark, feeling kind of silly laughing (and crying) by myself. And amidst the ten others in the theater in good company, I ate my chips and nachos, inhaled my large coke and got lost in the movie. For two hours, I enjoyed my own company. It was a good time. It was much needed time away.

I came home to my girl waiting for me, naturally with open arms. The rest of the weekend, we spent time together, 4 days in each other's company, and a lot of those hours in the good company of people we love.

Fourth of July always knows how to deliver summer and this year was no different.

My hydrangeas are in full bloom and I snipped one of the prettiest blooms for my pretty vase. I adore this vibrant color.

My girl and I can often be found sharing an ice cream together. She loves the cold to her budding teeth.

She also find it very amusing to climb into the dishwasher while I load the dishes these days. She really is so quick that I just let it happen.

We BBQ'ed, we dipped in make-shift pools (for both children and adults) trying to find some relief from the heat, we dined lazily with friends. There is always a point in the day when we realized we stayed out just a little too late, where we braved the long drive home with wailing children, internally vowing we would never do this again until our children are at least five and externally cursing under our breaths as we try to sooth their pitch to a more manageable decibel. It never works. But by the time she is safely tugged away in bed and I stare down at her innocent, slightly darken skin, I realized what a fabulous time we had and vowed to do it all over again next year, but even better, because by then it would be that much more important to take the time for these things because they will eventually be seared into her brain as one of her greatest childhood memories.

One day, I will attempt to explain to my girl the importance and meaning of this holiday. She will understand that her ability to blow bubbles innocently to the wind and her opportunity to dream and actually hope to fulfill those dreams are provided by this great land. She is first generation American on my side of the family, so one day she will understand the struggles to be free is still a memory in her parent's lifetime. She will understand what it means to be an American, from both an immigrant's and native's perspectives.

For now, we dolled ourselves in patriotic get-ups and celebrate our freedom.

Although there is no great fireworks to be watched, our hearts were bursting with joy and our heads bursting with memories. We are thankful for these days, to spend it in the presence of our family.

Lia: 11 months

2011-07-03T22:08:00.000-07:00

My darling girl,

Lately I often find myself reminiscing back to this time last year, trying to recollect what I was doing on the same day 365 days ago. I remembered distinctively that I was extremely busy at work trying to transition my work over to my temporary replacement so I could go on maternity leave. There was a lot of anticipation - for more time, for the finishing touches on your room, for your arrival. I was so sure that within two weeks of my leave, I would be able to meet you. Little did I know, you had other plans. Your due date came and went, and I thought my impatience would literally kill me. The good thing about babies is that, sooner or later, they have to come out, and out you came.

I remember the day you arrived. I still remember very distinctively how I felt, what I wore, but in particular, the million butterflies in my stomach and how they made me feel. The million scenarios I built in my head of our first meeting can never compare to the actual event. As soon as I laid my eyes on you, within a space of a nanosecond, I drank in the image of you and I was in love. You had dark eyes, not like your father whose eyes are blue. Your skin reminds me of the color of milk, unlike your father's or mine. It must be the combination of both. Your button nose is more like mine. Your eyebrows are the exact replica of your father's. Your mouth curves the way his does. You had 10 fingers and toes. Your wail was loud and healthy. Your matted hair dark like mine. You are a big girl. You are ours.

The moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew you I was meant to be your mama. For the first time in my life, I knew fear.

Fast forward to 11 months later, you went from a mere (not really) 8lbs 9oz to 25 lbs 8 oz. You are 31 inches tall. I can no longer hold you gracefully as your long limbs awkwardly dangle off of my body. At this point, I am constantly urging you to walk, for my physical well being as lugging you around really does start to take a toll on me. Like the way you came into the world, you are doing things on your own time. While you are capable of taking a few steps at a time, your preferred method of getting to your destination is still on all fours.

Summer is now officially upon us, and I spun big plans for us when the time brings with it hotter weather and a more matured and physically capable you. We go to the park, a lot, sometimes as a family, sometimes it's just us two. Either way, we have a good time.

We spend a lot of time in the pool, and you sure do love the water. There is very few things in life that make me as happy as water make you. It is a wonder to live through your eyes.

You are now a little person, no longer that little baby I held in my arms eleven months ago fully dependent on me. You have intention, you have opinions, you comprehend, you act with purpose. The time I have with you seems to have passed in an instant, yet it also feels like a lifetime all in one. If there is one piece of advice I can give you, it is to be present. Choose how you spend your time wisely and once that moment comes, be present in it.

I have always known that our time together will be fleeting, so in an effort to be more present with you, I have made the difficult decision of leaving my current job and took a different job that would allow me to be able spend more time with you. I hope to demonstrate and instill in you a fearlessness to take action to change the course of your life for the better when it is necessary.

There are times when your Daddy and I bear witness to and are amazed by your capabilities. We would sometimes individually and jokingly took sole credit for anything amazing that you do, but the reality of it is, we are certain that you are the product of the best parts of us, and all the extra are yours and yours alone. You are becoming a part of existence and the earth and its offsprings are better off from having been touched by you.

You are so loved.
Mama

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

The day has came and gone. The celebration of the day we are celebrated as parents, made possible by a little girl that came into our lives nearly a year ago today. Last year during this time, we cheated and celebrated these days secretly due to technicality. But this year, we are loud and we are proud to be celebrated as parents of a little girl.

Today was her Daddy's day, and while we did not do anything extravagant by any mean, we went to bed feeling extremely happy and blessed, and those are signs of a day fully celebrated.

We celebrated a man who loves his family. When I met him nearly four years ago (on June 24th), I would never have imagined I was meeting my child's father, but from where I am standing today, I never could have imagined a different man. Our girl really is lucky to be able to call him Daddy, or at this stage of life, Dada.

Happy First Father's Day, honey.
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Father's day weekend, we lived in our bathing suits.

I have this exact image of her father and I sitting at the pool where we first met. I have to dig it up.

We leave them out to dry and we start all over again.

This swing makes for a perfect swimsuit drying spot until they can be used again.

These long summer days are my favorite. The days that lead up to that longest day of the year, the day that will end the long cold winter days and sometimes even chillier spring days, the summer solstice, is torture. I usually watch the weather like a hawk during the month of June, for that number that would indicate I should trade my pants for my swimsuit bottom.

As the days get longer and longer, I drive home from work, the sun beating on my black leather car, I sit in traffic willing for the cars to drive faster so I can trade my business attires for something more freeing. When I pull into my driveway, I couldn't kick off my heels fast enough to slip my feet into flip flops or sometimes nothing at all.

Life is freeing, live it that way.

My girl loves the water. The more the water splashes her face, the more she's thrilled by it.

She obviously did not get her love of water from me because I can't swim, but her father is a fish. As they play together happily, my girl laughing hysterically and my husband happily indulge, I do what I do best, take pictures, both physically and mentally, to preserve this day well spent and seeing my husband celebrated as a father. It was a success.

on the brink of summer

2011-06-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

Mother Nature is finally starting to get that we are on the brink of summer and she is cooperating to give us sunshine and higher temperature than the typical spring 60s. This week, we were getting up to as high as low 80s, and with more amount sunlight in a day, I finally have the luxury of hanging outside with my girl after I get off of work for at least a couple of hours before heading inside, clean up whatever we accumulated in just two hours and call it a night. It really is bliss. What could have made it better is if her father is right there with us enjoying the time, but he is doing what he needs to do.

The one night that he is able to come home earlier, we were blessed with high enough temperatures during the day that heats up our sad excuse for a pool (more like a large outdoor bathtub), so we decided to jump in to give it a whirl. It had taken its residence in our backyard for more than a couple of months now, and all that is standing between us and it is the abnormally low temperature for this time of the month in Northern California. It was still cold, but enjoyable nonetheless.

I really adore this picture because it really does capture the sheer joy she feels as her hands and feet touch the water. There are few things in life that could ever make me that happy, and she finds it in water.

I love everything about this bathing suit that I got on clearance at Target. This is the first one piece suit that I ever own, and I love that it is flattering in all the right places and that I don't have to be constantly conscious about my body.

I always find a sense of nostalgia in sidewalk chalk. My sister and I used to play hopscotch in the backyard using chalk to define our squares and mark our numbers. While that was years ago, seeing sidewalk chalk always evoke these memories for me, of the times when I was approaching my teens. Sidewalk chalk is now a permanent residence in our modest yard. I wonder what material items I brought home to my girl will become a resident memory for her years from now.

For now, we draw with chalk and we eat chalk.

For some reason, this picture make me happy. It must be the chalk-covered toes.

I am now at a point where I can read her face to see what she is feeling because my girl is an expressive one.

Curious, happiness, temper tantrum.

But, when she is in the swing that her Daddy built for her in our backyard, there is only one expression pasted on her face, sheer happiness.

She really is lucky to have all the things that make her happy all within reach: water, swing, chalk and toilet papers.

Uh-oh. She found it. There is no stopping her now.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm really looking forward to the weekend and the celebration of fathers.

accenting life: passion

2011-06-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

My passion point has always been to be creative and to create.

I remembered my very first memory of my passion point occurred when I was ten. Immediately after our relocation from our home country to the US, our new country, I held onto the coloring book that United Airline had given us children to occupy our time during the very long flight. We had very little then, so this was one of my few material possession at the time. Having had filled up all of the pages with colors, there was nothing left to do with the book. Instead of throwing it into the trash, I reinvented uses for it. I used the pictures on those pages and copied them, redrew them onto blank sheets. That was my way of entertaining myself, and I found out I was good at it. I was good at drawing, capable of redrawing the images in its likeness onto another sheet of paper.

And so, many more days after that was spent getting lost in being creative and creating images onto blank sheets of paper.

I was lucky enough to recognize my passion point early on and have spent much of my time honing that passion, and consequently, led a fairly happy life because of that capability. As I grew, my craft expanded beyond drawing into painting and crafting, and lately, photographing. And while I had made a choice to choose my career outside of my passion point, purely for practical reasons, I have never given up on my passion completely, although the time available for it greatly diminished.

And as my passion grew, so does the complexity of my craft, resulting in larger investments in the equipments to support that passion. They are expensive, and weighing the cost and benefit of those investments is a constant battle. Sometimes, purchasing a card from the drug store is much cheaper than making one, purely speaking from a material standpoint not accounting for the time and effort it takes to design and create an original card.

But I continue to shell out the money, to the extent that we are able to afford it, and continue to create. The adrenaline and pride of seeing the finish product continues to be sufficient payment, and until it no longer is, I will continue to invest.

As my daughter grows and her curiosity of the world surrounding her grew, I am now the one responsible for shaping her mind. One thing is for sure, I want her to find passion in creating, to be in awe of the product of her own creation. Should she outgrow it one day, I'd be okay with it. Should she want to devote her whole life to it, I'd be supportive. But for now in these few short years, we will create.

Lia: month 10

2011-06-03T00:40:00.000-07:00

My darling girl,

I don't even know where to start, because this month has been such a whirlwind. Your father went back to work and our family went through quite a shift in dynamic. Daddy is much less present, and you get to spend more time with Mama and Grandma. You no longer sleep in your crib as the pros of having you in our bed far outweigh the pros of struggling through the night to keep you in your crib. Frankly, we came to the point where we can't even think of one legitimate pro of having your in the crib to be exact. So, we will deal with consequences later, but for now, Mama just enjoy sleeping with you curled against my body way too much to have it any other way.

You have been a trooper through it all, adjusting as you need to the changing pace. You will learn one day my darling that change is really the only constant in life, and you must remain resilient and welcoming of it to live a fulfilling life.

It must be a consequence of not having enough time with you that it seems like every time I turn around, you are doing something new and amazing me to no end. You are now comprehending speech. Get out of here. How is it that we now have a baby that acts on command because she understands what we are saying? When asked for kisses, you don't just pucker up, instead you open your mouth as wide as you can resulting in wet slobbering mess. We just love it and ask for it every time we can but you are quite selective of your capability, reserving it for only special occasions when you know we really need them to get through the day.

You are now waving your hands to say goodbye. You search for people when their names are mentioned through the frantic shift of focus to their usual spots (Reggie on the couch, grandpa through the back door, etc). You have 6 teeth that fully came through, and 2 more in the process of breaking through the gum.

You are now standing, like a pro. At any given moment we can place you down and you can hold your own. No chance of walking unassisted yet though, although walking alongside the couch or walking with the walker seem to be second nature to you now. You are getting into everything, but your favorite spot to get into trouble is where we store your diapers in the living room. Your usual routine is to pull yourself up using the TV cabinet, scoot over to the shelf where your diapers are stored, lower yourself slowly into a sitting position, and occupy yourself quietly until all the diapers are pulled out of their spots individually and all of the other junks are displaced.

Crawling is your mean to get to your destination, and as a consequence, you have climbed your first stair around the middle of the month. I was scared, but with any first milestone, we encouraged it urging you on from one step to another. We are sure to regret such it soon enough, but for now, your determination is admirable and we are proud parents of a crawler.

As you become mobile, your body slims horizontally and stretches more vertically. You are now weighing 25 pounts, 31 inches with head circumference of 18.5 inches.

I can't believe you are turning one in 2 months. My mind is just unable to reconcile our little newborn to the child that you are now. What a massive difference!

Mama is planning your first birthday party, and I hope you will enjoy your main event when the time arrives. We are doing the best we can as a family--your parents are doing the best we can by you, and you have done so well by us. You are more of a blessing to us than you will ever know, and keep on doing what you are doing, and keep up with the generous kisses.

You are so loved,

Mama

memorial day weekend

2011-05-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

Holiday weekends are times that parachute us to do greater things than a typical weekend, because the extra day without work that turns the impending Tuesday into a Monday make us feel invincible, like we so many more hours than the actual 24 hours to do more things - go to the park, take that extra long drive out of town, enjoying the outdoor, because we have all those extra hours to recuperate.

This holiday weekend, we were not able to go anywhere far as a family, because Joe had other commitments from the everyday life (i.e. work) that spilled over to our holiday weekend, but that did not stop me from packing up a diaper bag full of formula and baby food and brave the two-hours drive to Napa with my parents and brother with a nine and half month old, so her daddy can have the day to concentrate on his work sans family to disturb him. I didn't know what to expect, because this was the first long trip our girl will experience in her short life, but she did great, as both ways coincides with her typical nap times.

And while I have been to Napa before, it had never been with a baby in tow. But, it was as if life had not changed, it's just that I am now more conscientious of my wine intake on one hand while the other hand holding a grabby child. Life does not have to take away any experiences when you have children, it just add a different kind of experiences, ones that you could never imagine possible until it presents itself in the presence, and you just have to have courage to say yes to it.

Wine still taste just as beautiful as before.

While California weather typically allows the body to adorn bathing suits come this time of the year, Mother Nature had other plans this year as we returned home from Napa to rain and mid sixties degree. But when after the rain, there is always rainbows, and a beautifully newly cleansed blue canvas with so many possibilities.

So, I spent some time during the nights to prepare our backyard for the guaranteed warmer weather that is California typically promised during June, July, August, September and October. We are blessed to have so many days of warm weather in a year, and I'd be damned it I spent it indoor and locked up away from all the beauty that nature promises, even if it is confined to a space no more than two hundred feet big and the background of my sight are my own creation.

So we rearranged the space, making the most of the various furniture we managed to collect in the past few years. We repurposed the stuff that we no longer liked by begging a mother with a sewing machine to give it new life with a $6 yard of fabric. I am now in love with our new pillows and its color palette.

I tied some ribbons to our swings and allow the breeze to do her job. Now, we have a park within a few feet away from our kitchen, and we take every opportunity we can get our hands on to go there. We really do have everything we need.

While I was in the DIY mode one night, and taking advantage of my girl is sleeping safely in her daddy's arms, I finally took out the mason jars I have been collecting from eating all those jars of Costco sized pasta sauces, and put them to good use. I created this, and hung them in our yard. They are simple, and aside from the $5 wire I spent, they were free. I do love creating things with my own hands.

And while I was at it, why not fix up a little corner that was more than lacking, but hanging some cheaply purchased pennants in pretty color, gathered up all the plants that were scattered in the yard and put them in one place, in pretty pots, and instantly I have my own little garden.

I do love me some bougainvillea. I have made it a mission to surround myself with the things of nature that I have grown to love, one of which being these delicate beauties.

Hopefully, some time soon, we will be able to put the round blue thing filled with water to good use. Soon enough, if not this weekend. Hope everyone had a beautiful weekend filled with family, but remember to give a thought as to the reason we are able to enjoy this extra day, aside from it being government-mandate. These things are near and dear to my own heart.

accenting life: peaks and troughs

2011-05-26T17:20:00.001-07:00

These days, our house at any moment in time, looks like it had gone to war and back. What once used to be an order of intentional placed and coordinated things are now replaced with a things of multitude of primary colors, all scattered across any surface that it finds itself. It is a freakin mess, and I don't even care.

The dynamic in our home had shifted a little bit lately. With two of us now working full-time demanding jobs, we are in the stage of our marriage and our homemaking where we are making do. We are literally doing whatever it takes to make it through, day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour.

With anything that spans across a long period of time such as that of a life, the economy, friendship, finances, whatever...there tends to be periods of peaks and troughs. During the peaks, there are resources and capabilities to think about long term goals and they all support the development of certain strategies to meet those goals. There are hopes and perspectives for the future. When the troughs hit, it is every man for himself, cutting back whatever it takes to ride out until the next peaks arrive, band-aiding whatever damage caused as a result of the battle. Our family is riding through a trough at the moment, and although the day to day can be difficult, the thing about troughs is that it will always be replaced by peaks.

So, while we are riding it out, we are seeing damages done and we are band-aiding. Our house is a mess, so we do just sufficient cleaning in order to live efficiently. We are racing against time, so we prioritize to spend the time we have with our child instead. Our marital relationship is suffering from the lack of time, but we faced it with an understanding that this is temporary and there is a mutual understanding to ride this out alongside each other, though each person is battling their own battle. This is temporary, it is unsustainable.

The wheel is spinning. The ball is rolling. The last couple of weeks, I have put into motion what needs to be done so that there can be more balance. All that is left is waiting, and the waiting is always the hardest part. In the mean time, I am enjoying my kid.

I am now at a point in my life where I want to tailor my actions to be more purposeful, to act with more intention. As life happens, I am becoming more aware of how much my actions can affect those around me, and more specifically, those I love. Frankly the best way to become aware is to be at the receiving end of the consequences of unawareness.

There are so many lessons I want to teach my kid, to influence her to be a good person, I fear that I might fail, because the road is long and the lessons are too voluminous to teach in one lifetime. But for now, I will teach her to be more present in her life, by practicing what I preach and being more present in hers. We will take walks, enjoy the parks, read the books, walk the beach, watch the sunsets, because at the end of the day when we lay down to sleep, we should be able to whisper to the heaven words of thanks for the day just passed and the presents of being present.

accenting life: first mother's day

2011-05-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

In the past, I often partake in Mother's Day by rushing to the mall trying to find something nice and meaningful for my mother. Every so often, I would be pressed for time and lack of resources at the shops make me resorted to giving cash. But, Mother's Day had always been about MY mother and my quest to do something special for her to celebrate her as a mother. In a sense, I have always been on the outside looking into this beautiful day where women are celebrated as mothers.

This year, I am in. I am part-taking as a new member of the group. I am one of the mothers, wearing my new "mother" badge proudly. On Sunday morning, I opened my phone to greeting messages from friends and families such as "happy first mother's day" and "you are a great mom." My mother-in-law called me yesterday to wish me the same, and she said something that just touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. She said she was proud of me and could not have asked for a better mother for her only granddaughter. It meant a lot, to be validated that I am indeed getting this whole mothering thing because half of the time, I don't even know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm swimming in open waters without any life jacket on and there's no land in sight.

I didn't do anything special by any commercial standard, nor did I get a material gift would remind me of this day. What I did get is a bunch of beautiful memories that etched itself into my brain and my heart. I get to be with my family. Rolling in bed with my girl at the sight of the first morning light, feeling her rolled her little body against my torso seeking warmth and finally settled peacefully when it is found, seeing sleepy eyes constantly batting trying to adjust to the morning rays.

As always on every weekend day, we burrowed just a little longer, resulting us having to rush ourselves to shower and get dressed to meet my mother for our Mother's day brunch. We made it in time, but not without a whole lot of yelling and an occasional cursing at whatever thing delaying us from where we stood to the door.

Apart from a little simple celebration over brunch, our day remained uneventful, which is the best mother's day gift this busy girl can ask for, for some time to recharge, pause, feel love, and celebrate in an intentional way.

Our day ended with a nice warm bath for the little body, where she played with her rubber ducky and I reveled in the few minutes I get to spend with her. She splashed the water, occasionally looking up at me flashing me her big somewhat toothless grin and then went back back to splashing once more. We read, we hang out on the floor, we fixed dinner/heating up left over, and retired to bed again where little body curled up beside me occasionally looking up to make sure I'm still there. We fell asleep early, to whatever noise that came out of our TV, and dream the little dreams of the wonderful day just passed and the days ahead.

Lia: month 9

2011-05-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

My dear child,

Having you around always keeps Mama on her toes, not only physically but figuratively as well. I was really fortunate to have lived a rewarding life before you, to look back to that point and continue to believe that I have done everything I was meant to do and to be the exact person I was, all leading to prepare me to be a mother to you. I mean it, I believe it.

But no matter how rewarding it was, there were mundanes to that life. I constantly craved changes, and most often times, acted on those craving to lead me to a more fulfilled life. Fast forward to the present, it seems like I am constantly kept on my toes, because adjusting my life to the pace of your growth literally changes my mindset every other day.

My goodness, how fast you grow. You are now 24lbs, 29 inches with head circumference of 18 inches. As you grow, I grow. As you learn to stand, I am learning alongside you to take different stand against the world. I stand on a different ground with my new title as Mother. As you take your first step, I take my first step down a new path in my life.

I knew life with a baby would be different, that we would have to learn to let go of some of our stringent beliefs, to learn to live with a messier house, to learn to operate with much less sleep. I am also slowly learning the depth of motherhood, and I never expect the learning curve to continue to be so steep even with so much time already passed. While becoming a mother came naturally and instinctively, understanding the gift of that responsibility and depth of that joy is slow and purposeful. I am grateful everyday, to be able to experience what it feels like to love something the most, and how the act of giving that love to someone can make me so free.

My love, you are becoming your own person, demonstrating awareness of your environment and asserting your preferences. If you want to be held and we put you down, you make sure we understand you are not happy about that. If you don't want a toy and we force you to take it, you make sure that the moment it touches your hand is the moment it came flying to the nearest fragile object.

But my dear girl, no matter what frustration we deal with on a day to day basis, you are my favorite little person, and I enjoy every minute of time we have together. We are lucky to be witnesses to and receivers of your belly laughs, to be able to be present for the biggest and littlest milestones of your life and to be contributors in shaping the person you are becoming and will be forever.

Near the end of this month, you had family came from afar to meet you and be witness to your baptism. For most of them, this is the first time meeting you and they are all awed by you. You put on quite a show at a small, intimate ceremony as well as at the little get together at our home, surrounded by some very close family and friends. You have to understand, my love, that you are one well-loved child. And although you would not go near them in the beginning, you finally warmed up to them by the end of their visit, but you still made sure to let Mama know that you prefer me over any other person in the room. I guess it comes with the typical clingy, stranger-anxiety stage that you are going through right now. Mind as well, I do love to be with my girl.

You are one of my greatest source of happiness, and watching life through your eyes, as you continue to be amazed, moved, be delighted, makes me a better person than I could ever hope to be. You are my great inspiration, and nothing will ever be more important to me than your joy.

You are so loved,

Mama

accenting life: wake me up

2011-04-25T14:33:00.000-07:00

We are undergoing a transition in our household, now that Joe is going to start his new job in less than two short weeks. We are excited at the opportunity and we are bracing for the challenges ahead.

For the past few months, since I have been back to work and Joe remained at home, he had primarily taken the night time duty with our girl, so that I can get somewhat decent sleep for the following working days. The weekend nights are mine though, and because they are so far and few in between, I really don't mind the waking up in the middle of the night feeding and changing. Rather I took those opportunities to connect with my girl, no matter how half-sleepily.

We are adjusting for the hectic that is awaiting on the horizon, while allowing ourselves the freedom to enjoy and bask in the all the possibilities of the future that our little heads could spin. We know that once the two of us hold full time jobs, our daughter would also have to adjust as we adjust, but for now, we think about what the influx of the extra income would do to our saving, we think about the vacation we could finally start to save for and eventually take in the near future, we think about what else we can shoulder now that that huge rock of worry over finances had finally been lifted. We are a young family trying to figure out this life, this marriage, and this parenthood.

So to prepare for the changes ahead, I have been taking duty a few more nights a week with our girl. And while we had tried to train her to sleep in her crib, we can now officially say that we had given it up due to various reasons, two being that she doesn't like it and I like to have her in my bed next to me too much. So we choose our battles, and this is one of the ones I'm willing to lose.

This morning in particular, our girl woke up quietly way before my alarm is scheduled to ring. While I was a bit annoyed, I obliged and woke up with her. Despite being annoyed just seconds earlier, her sweet sleepy smile with sleepy eyes to match turned my frowns upside down. So, we went through our usual routine, changing her, making her a bottle, and feeding her right there in our bed with her lying at the crook of my arms.

My girl has this ability to smile with her eyes that only her dad and I have been privy to, that sweet smile with her eyes though her mouth is obstructed by a binky or a bottle that just melts our hearts. She gave me one of those this morning with a bottle in her mouth and the darkness still thick in our room. I smiled back and we went back to what we were doing, her sucking that bottle down like it was her last meal and I sucking the last little sleep left before the alarm begins to blare.

Unlike other nights where she would instantly fall back asleep as soon as that last drop of milk was had, my girl would not fall back asleep and continued to. Now armed with a newly acquired ability to crawl, she begins crawling around in bed, rubbing and molding her little body perfectly to my curves until she finds a good comfortable position to lay down her head, she would rest there for a few minutes, eyes wide open, willing me to open my own eyes. After a few minutes, I am now defeated and accepted that I would not be allowed to get those few minutes of sleep after all, I opened my eyes, remained lying and begin engaging with my wide-awake girl.

She lays her head there across my chest, her chest on the side of my body, and her now amazingly long body awkwardly dangles off of my own body. But at last, she seemed to have found her comfortable spot there after all, no matter how awkwardly looking it is, and remained still there, still wide awake. I look down at her, smiled at her unruly hair and grape-sized eyes. Her mouth slowly turned crooked, and she smiled up at me. I whispered my soft "I love you" and there we fell asleep for another precious hour.

Easter weekend

2011-04-25T04:12:00.000-07:00

After an exhausting weekend filled with Easter activities, my girl is asleep in her sleeping father's arms downstairs while they recharge from the beautiful craziness of it all. I, taking advantage of this quiet moment to craft some words together to describe this magical weekend we spent as a family, so that I don't forget when the time comes to tell my girl about her first Easter. After all, she won't remember, but these words will help her and I relive it.

There are chores to be done, and even work to do this weekend, none of which had been started. It is a price I choose to pay, for some magical moments as we celebrate the rising of Christ. I don't often talk about religion, nor do I consider myself particularly religious though I participate in important Catholic traditions (after all, we are getting our girl baptized next weekend), I believe in God, I believe that there is a greater power at work than just ourselves.

I appreciate that in a religious holiday such as that of Easter, I am provided with opportunities to make a choice to put down my work, to choose to spend my time with my family and friends, to start holiday traditions, and to build memories with my child. I love that such a little addition to our family had already managed to make such an impact to our lives. We cannot remember the Easter days before her and how we spent it. I appreciate that we are provided these opportunities to be appreciative and for that I am.

So on good Friday night after work, I rounded my siblings and our parents together along with all the kids and gathered at our house. We ate, we enjoyed each other's company and we dyed eggs.

It was the first time for a lot of us, and despite the questionable results of our efforts, we had a blast crayoning, dipping, breaking, laughing, and dying.

After we turned all our white eggs into a variety of different colors and cleaned up the crazy mess we made, we sat around well into the night, allowing the kids to interact with their cousins and the adults enjoying quality time. In moments like these, I wonder why we don't do this more often. It's so enjoyable, so therapeutic, so necessary.

On Saturday morning, we woke up earlier than usual for a weekend morning, adorned our child in her festive Easter attire of pink and green and every happy shade in between, and headed out the door to a local community egg hunt. And despite having not found one single egg, we still came home with a basketful of eggs thanks for our friends who took the time to put together pretty baskets for the kids.

We took the time to nurture our friendships, all the while building new ones for our littles who we hope would be great friends in the future. We dined, we talked over coffee, we spent time outdoor, we snapped pictures to remind us just exactly how much we enjoyed each other's company.

I am constantly reminded of the beautiful journey to where we are, of how life has a way of working out, leading us from single individuals to expanding families of our own, and somewhere along the way, we grew to love the people we picked out to call our spouses, and we love each other's kids like they were our own.

In times like these where the concept of family are appreciated and the concept of friends are nurtured, I am inspired and grateful. Of all the wonders of the world, I am amazed.

I guess come Monday, we probably will forget when we go back to work and we allow the hustle and bustle of life to take over our lives once more, the beauty of the weekend will fade into a distant memory. At least I am comforted that the next holiday is around the corner, to remind us once more to gather, to participate, to celebrate, to live and to be amazed.

oh, the places you'll go!

2011-04-21T08:54:00.003-07:00

My girl and I can often be found reading with each other (or rather me reading to her and she trying to grab the book and put it in her mouth) at night. I love these times because this is one of the ways I spend quality time with her, just me and her and the beautifully crafted words from some very expensive books.

One of my new discoveries that I instantly fell in love with is Dr. Seuss' Oh! the Places You'll Go! We don't own it yet, but we will soon have it in our arsenal of great children literature amongst our Amelia Bedelia, Madeline, Do you know how much I love you and other Dr. Seuss favorites?

In my mind, Dr. Seuss' really outdid himself with this one and inspired me to use it as an inspiration and a starting point for our girl's first birthday party. By the way, I'm starting to plan it already, though it is a little less than 4 months away.

I often think about the child I'm raising, who is so impressionable right now, and the great responsibility of being her parent, her mother, and my role in shaping her to be the person she will be forever.

I don't know what kind of person she will grow up to be. It is my hope that she will be a great one, not necessarily measured in her career choice or her financial success, but in a humanitarian sense. I hope she is compassionate, I hope she is productive, I hope she is wise.

This week marked a significant milestone in her short life. Somewhere in a span of two days where she was even unable to really crawl, she just stood up all by herself.

After about 10 seconds, her feet gave out and she started to tumble down, good thing her dad was there to catch her while I was snapping away.

I was so proud and ecstatic that she made such a significant progress, and when these things happen, I find it a little bittersweet as her mother having witness my little girl grow so fast.

I have such big dreams for her as she grows and there's no stopping her now as she stand, take her first step and go places. In some ways I can only stand by the sideline and watch and cheer our girl on.

accenting life: looking up

2011-04-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

Monday morning, in its typical Monday fashion, brought along its gloom of the week to come. Joe and I chatted a little bit before I headed out to work. It was a typical Monday work day, with a lot of running around til my neck feels like it's chopped off. Then I saw a blinking light on my phone while I was in a meeting, I entered the required password to get into the screen where my favorite picture of me and my daughter greeted me, opened up the blackberry messenger icon, and saw a message from my husband that reads "I'm in." I breathe a big sigh of relief, I knew what it meant.

Some time between lunch and 3 o'clock, he got the call that we have been waiting for, one that had kept us on edge for over a month. After almost a year of unemployment, Joe will start a new job, rather a new career, in 2 short weeks. It's finally happening, and it's happening fast.

Our lives are about to change, for the better, and I can't help but reminisce back to this past year, when our family experienced one of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

We added a daughter to our family and it thrills us to no end. At the same time, we had to realign our finances to make it work as a bigger family with half of the income. We trimmed a lot of fat, made a lot of adjustments, but we made it to the other side.

Now that we're here, I look back to the day-to-day struggle, and I am filled with certain anguish knowing that there was some frustration, that we sometimes took it out on the people we love the most, each other. There were days when money plagued my head and entered my sleep. There were days I didn't know how we were going to make it. There were days when I saw our saving dipped by thousands of dollars when I hit "pay bill" on our mortgage, knowing that we didn't have the income stream to replenish it in the near future, and my heart broke a little. Finance is a part of life, and there were days when it became a much bigger part than I would have liked.

Things are looking up now and it is a good feeling to know that we no longer have to look forward to that unemployment check or that pay day. We will make changes, as another regular stream of income enter household, to replenish our saving, to plan for a much needed vacation, to adjust our lives so that we still have the necessary quality time with each other as a family. But for now, we are basking in the new state of mind, a relieved state of mind, a feel-good state of mind...just in time for spring, a time of revival and renew, and as we welcome families from afar in two short weeks.

accenting life: staying home

2011-04-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

I spoke before of our current one-income household, and while I don't let the worry of money consume my every thought, it is there, looming behind the scene daily as I made the choice to skip my beloved Starbucks for bad office coffee, or when it hits me like a brick as I press pay on our mortgage monthly.

Over the course of this past year, we have learn to become mindful of our spending, choosing to put our entire substantial tax return into our saving accounts, split between our daughter's and ours, instead of spending it on a much needed vacation. I haven't had a real vacation since our honeymoon over two years ago, and we haven't really gotten away anywhere since the holidays 2009. I'm itching to get away, to see unexpected places through a tourist's eyes, to show our child and ourselves the wonder of this big world. Oh, how easy it would have been to justify a vacation right now - I have way too many reasons for needing a vacation.

If this past year and an addition to our family taught me nothing else, it did teach me to be more self-aware and to act more purposefully - of my action, of my time, in my speech, in my scribe. I am more intentional and I am more present in my own life. I enhanced the little time I have for family to be more qualitative. I spend more time outdoor, be it in our backyard or in the nearby park, I play more and clean less, we eat together more and watch less TV, we have more dinner parties at home and eat out less. I am more productive at the things I have to do, so that I can get back to the things I want to do.

There are so many things that I have to do and I know I can't put them off much further. But while the spring sun is out and the flowers bloom, I chose to to put them in the backseat for now, and jump into the backseat of our car with our daughter and head to the nearby park to enjoy some quality time and take some treasured pictures of her this weekend, and for that, I am renewed and recharged to take on the very large to do list this week.

birthday in pictures

2011-04-16T23:54:00.000-07:00

While I dedicated a whole post to a more contemplative birthday, this is the post of the big day spent, in pictures.

The big celebration happened on Friday night, where friends gathered their kiddos in the cars after work, drove across town to our home, where seafood pasta in tin trays await them (courtesy of a husband who drove across town to grab them) and a birthday girl eagerly and happily anticipate the close on yet another year of her life because she gets to spend the last day of this year with some of her favorite people. It is easy to welcome yet another year when this past year had been so good to me. Unfortunately, I don't have one single picture of the little party because I was just too busy having a good time, celebrating, blowing out candles, making wishes, hold soul-searching conversations, chasing after pitter-patter feet. It was a great day, spent with great people.

The actual day, today, was a little more quiet and more family oriented. We spent the morning lazily in bed, and my girl gifted me with just a little more sleep by sleeping just a little longer herself.

And when she did wake up, we made sure take the process as long as possibly, while enjoying our contemplative girl with lashes the gods would envy.

We went to breakfast (or rather lunch) as a family at a favorite local cafe, went shopping, went home to take naps, and back to shopping once more. Mama was on a mission today. One good thing that came out of a lighter wallet is we found our dresses for her upcoming baptism. Her a cute white dress with all the frills that screams I am my Mama's girly girl. Me a simple nautical blue dress that complements my age, the age of Mamahood.

With the upcoming celebration, we are excitedly expecting families from far far away, who while share the same hemoglobin with our girl, but yet to have met her yet. It is certainly a cause for celebration, and we will do just that, celebrate.

The weather today was a perfect 72 degree - the sun was shining, flip flops adorn our freshly manicured feet, and even more perfect is when you paint those little piggies yourself and proud of it.

The higher the temperature, the more uncomfortable our girl grows when she falls asleep. We typically give her her baths some time during the day, but tonight, we made sure she had a nice warm bath to ease her into her slumber. So after an exhausting shopping day, we striped her down and headed straight to the bathroom where her ducky blown up bath awaits along with her sea animal bath toys.

As I expected, I am sitting her reliving my perfect days in words and in pictures, and she is fast asleep right next door without any hint of movement just yet. Tomorrow, we head to the park, to celebrate yet another little one turning one. Most importantly, we will celebrate life, as it happens, and be present for all of the sunshine we can get.

accenting life: twenty eight

2011-04-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday and birth day is the one day out of the year where it affords us unapologetic reflection.

Today I turn 28 and in many ways, this was the year where I had the courage to open doors that were patiently awaiting for my hesitant hands, and what lay beyond those doors are intertwined with what lies before it. This year brought clarity in perspective, direction in choices and changes. As much as I look forward to the coming year, I look back to this previous years with many fond memories. Here are 28 things I enjoyed and loved this past year.

Feeling alive and feeling lucky to be alive, and surprised by the fact that I don't feel like this everyday.
Becoming a mama to be a beautiful little girl who is absolutely perfect in my eyes.
A dog who had adapt so well to a newborn, who willingly took a back seat to said newborn, who continually stayed loyal and unwavering despite the changes in the composition of our family. He changed my life for the better, probably more so than I have changed his.
A husband who is handy, who share my passion for things handmade, and making our house into a home for our new inhabitant.
Babies. Lots of them, belong to friends who might as well be family.
The color orange and yellow and pink and grey, and the ability to use these color combination simply because I have a baby girl.
Photography. I have really fallen in love with this hobby.
The challenge of being a better person, having been a witness some questionable characters.
The ability and willingness to tip 20%.
Being photogenic.
The comfort and easy state of mind knowing that my husband is home safe and sound.
The perfect shade of lip gloss found in Mac Lovechild.
Our own set of swings in our backyard home-built by a loving husband just in time for spring and its warmer weather.
Our backyard. Real estate is getting smaller by the minute and I am thankful for a piece of property where we have the ability to enjoy the outdoor.
Colorful pens that writes just right.
All things handmade.
Being creative, in writing and in photography, both of which I have divulge in much more this past year.
Spring and fall. Both beauties in their own rights. This was probably the first year when I became so aware of the climate, the changes in season and what it does to our good earth. I love that photography brings me to a new level of consciousness.
Blogging. I really really blog this year, about things I feel passionate about.
Becoming aware that there are somethings that cannot be redone and strive to get those things done in the present. One of which being taking at least weekly photos of my pregnancy and subsequently our daughter. These photos are now priceless treasures for me.
Being inspired. This was the year when I felt like I am so inspired and more importantly acted on those inspirations. I was inspired to take more photos, take better photos, and coming up with concepts on how to use those photos that could have potentially sit in a folder in an external hard drive and never seen again. I only wish I can be inspiring in the coming year.
Going to bed at 9:30pm consistently, even on the weekends, because new parents work with their child's bedtime, and not vice versa.
The color grey, and spelling it grey and not gray. One of which being grey nail polish - it is so polish (pun intended). Finding the perfect grey really is all about finding the perfect shade.
Dinners, especially at home, with friends. Now that there are so many kids in the mix, going out is a novel idea that tends to end in disaster with a lot of baby screaming, mean stares and apologetic rushes. We made it a point this year to have more gathering in the home, where the kids can be themselves, and the parents can still feel like grown-ups once more.
The perfect notebook. Corporate America provides a great many free note pads and papers, yet I always find it worthwhile to spend the few dollars out of my pocket to find that perfect notebook for work, because I find a lot of satisfaction being able to express my personality through my notebooks despite having to wear boring work clothes.
Budgeting. I do a lot of that lately in this household, some out of necessity, some out of needing to satisfy an inherent personality trait.
Pushing the pause button on fixing up/decorating the house. We ran out of energy, out of steam, and out of money. Instead, we gear all of those towards our new baby daughter.
Pennants. I have a new found love for pennants, even though they are everywhere right now, and will be using them as part of the overall theme for our daughter's one year birthday, which I have already started planning for though it is still nearly four months away.

I am excited to see what the new year will bring. Happy twenty-eight birthday to me.

xoxo

Lia: month 8

2011-04-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Lia,

This month recap of your growth and development will be replaced by a short and sweet love letter instead, simply because I wasn't very much physically present with you this month because my work demanded more of my attention, if that is at all possible.

Let me tell you something honey. One day a long time from now when you are all grown up, you will face the reality that is life and you will have to make some very difficult decisions, one of which is having to make the difficult choice of getting up in the crack of dawn to spend even just fifteen minutes with your precious sprouting baby because you know that after those fifteen minutes, you will walk out of the house and you will not be able to return home until your baby is already tucked away in her bed for the night and you won't see her until the next day for yet only another fifteen minutes. Such is life my dear, and sometimes, you are required to make those sacrifices. I want you to understand that there is no shame in doing that. Sometimes, you doing the sacrificing for the sake of your family is admirable, because that is what your family needs you to do at that moment. Just do me a favor and don't ever do it as a choice.

For now, while we are separated, I know that you are being lovingly cared for by the two next best people who love you very much. You are undoubtedly happy.

Though I don't see you as much as I would like, every minute that we spend together I am amazed by your growth. You are not only beginning to be purposeful in your physical capability (i.e. your reach), but I am also beginning to see indications that you are purposeful in your thoughts. On the rare occasions where I am able to come home early enough to see you before you go to bed, as soon as I walk through the door and our eyes connect, you look at me for a second with your eyebrows crunch together (a trait clearly from your father) and you realize I am your Mama, you immediately demand my attention and began reaching out for me. In those instances, I can literally see you processing your thoughts and it's amazing. I never failed to oblige your demand for my attention.

Throughout this journey as your Mama, I constantly thought about the next phase where you will undoubtedly amaze me with yet another milestone. I remembered while you were an infant when I was holding you, I looked down and thought about the day when you would be able to sit on your own, or when you will reach me for me, or when you can call me Mama. Those things are starting to happen, and in some ways, I am unprepared for them, and I think it is because it's just happening too fast for me to keep up. You are amazing, and I am proud of you every single day.

As the month was closing out, you amazed us by taking your first crawl and Mama was home to witness it. It was all too cute when you stick your butt high in the air in an effort to lift your legs. It takes so much effort but boy you are a determined one. In no time, you will be a mobile little mouse in our house and will get into things. We are looking forward to it, if not yet prepared for it.

One of my favorite memories of you this month happened while you are on my watch, usually weekend nights. In the middle of the night, whenever you get hungry and get squirmy, in my sleepy fog I would try to appease your need by reaching out for the binky first instead of the bottle. Without opening your eyes, you open your mouth wide in anticipation and you hate it when you find a binky instead of a nipple overflowing with goodness. No matter what time of the day, I always find a little amusement out of it and it never fails to put a smile on my face. You are a delight, and I adore every little thing you are a capable of in your eight months.

This month, you did not grow very much in weight, but you have grown in height. You are 23 pounds 14 ounces, 28 inches with head circumference of 18.5 inches. Your weight are being distributed to your vertical growth and I see more coordination because of it.

Spring is here baby and the weather is getting to be more beautiful with each passing day. Your Daddy built both you and I our own swing in the backyard, side by side, and we just love hanging out there where the sun shines. I look forward to spending much more time with you, taking you outdoor and just making memories.

You are so loved.

Mama

accenting life: blogging

2011-04-01T13:09:00.001-07:00

Bloggers read blogs, and even the most amateur will never once question the motive behind such activity. We understand. We get it.

Those who don't blog or don't read blogs just don't get it. I often get asked by the people in my life why I blog because to them, blogging seems like such a waste of precious time, devoting hours and hours in front of a computer, crafting words and editing pictures to provide visual context, especially when there is not a large audience to make it worth-while.

My answer - this blog is my time capsule. I rarely go back and read my previous posts, but when I do, I always distinctively remember each emotion and each thought that ran behind the published words. I see pictures of a candid moment captured, and I relive. In my years of experience, there are only two things I find that I possess with power, my words and my photographs. I am able to express both things via this blog.

My camera is my pal, and I use it to capture moments as they happen. Very rarely do I purposefully set up a shoot, because I like to capture emotions and activities as they are. I am a candid photographer, and some of the most beautiful shots I find myself still loving are those that are captured when I least expect it. Through my lens, I am present, I discover, I evolve, and I live.

My words are my pride. I am proud of the fact that not more than 20 years ago, I cannot speak English and today, I am able to dig into my vocabulary arsenal, pull together sentences that accurately describe my emotions, and forever capture it before it disintegrates and forever forgotten.

Years from now, when my daughter is grown, I want her to be able to accurately describe me as I am, through my words, through my photographs, and through my actions, as someone who is passionate, as someone who pursue what she loves, as someone who will sacrifice, but also as someone who will always chase after love.

There are very many things that make me happy as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend. But as an individual, my scribes and my photographs continue to thrill me by stirring a creative passion within me.

accenting life: stressors

2011-03-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

I am the one who takes care of our finances in our family. Each family has one, and someone's gotta do it. Naturally with an accounting and finance degree, as well as years of accounting experience under my belt, I am that person for our family.

The biggest lesson that I have learn over the years is that worrying about money is kind of futile. One of the greatest advice I have ever received came from my mother the day I got engaged to my husband. She said "Don't worry about money, it will come and go. Work on the love." The accountant in me didn't believe her then, I believe it now.

Over the short period of our relationship (dated for 8 months, engaged for 1 year, married for 2), Joe and I have experienced our ups and downs when it comes to finances. There was a time period when we were DINKs (dual income, no kids). Both were working, earned great money, had very little responsibilities beyond our rent and car payments. We were living large, going on vacations, eating out frequently, and still managed to scrape some money together for our saving account every month. Life was good.

Then all of the sudden, life threw us a curve ball and we became 1N1Ks (1 income, 1 kid). For many reasons too long to discuss, we both decided that it is best for our growing family that Joe quit his job as a Marine and switch career to something more grounded so he can be present in his daughter's life. He quit, our daughter was born, and I became the sole provider for our family all while we make the transition. These are significant stressors, and they were all happening at once.

We stressed about it but we worked it out and we made it work. We trimmed a lot of fat off our spending, reducing it to just our necessary commitments (i.e. mortgage, car payments, utilities, etc). With only half of an income from before, I was amazed when we still didn't go into deficit (although our saving account did not grow as fast as before). We have our family, I have my husband home with me, raising our daughter with me. My daughter has the presence of both her parents with her. We are healthy, we are safe and we are happy.

Our family is about to make another transition, this time a more positive one, and we are excited about it. In our short relationship to date (from the grand scheme of a lifetime), we have experienced our highs and lows in our finances, but our love and relationship remained intact, and it grows stronger every single day. It is true what my mother said. Money has a way of working itself out, or if not, we adapt to make it work. I am thankful for a partner, a husband and a father for my daughter who would do whatever it takes and make whatever sacrifice necessary for our family. I am thankful for clarity and validation to myself as well to my family that I would do the same.

We are stronger as individuals, we are even stronger as a family unit. Not that I needed validation that I made the right choice in my partner or any subsequent choices for that matter, but I am validated, and it is a good feeling.

two wonderful years

2011-03-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today, I stood up in church in front of God and our closest friends and families and said "I do." In that moment, we were blessed and in our pure bliss. There had been a lot of moments since then in this past two years that took our breaths away, brought us to the highest high. There were also some moments when we experienced our lowest of lows, when we didn't know how we were going to make it. Through the long days and the fleeting moments, we did it together, holding hands, whisper comforting words because there was nothing else we could do.

Yet somehow, we arrived, first at our first year, and now our second. In thirty years, I hope that I can still write these similar words, with more highs and more lows under our belts, but still consistent in the fact that we still did it all, together, as a couple, as lovers, as parents.

We have nothing planned today because life has a way of getting in the way of these important milestones. However, we are on the same page, not holding it against each other, but finding ways to get around it. If it is one thing that I learn this year from our marriage, it is not about celebrating the big milestones on time, but finding time to celebrate milestones, big and small.

With our daughter joining our family this year, those milestones include things as little as when she first learns to clap, when she purposefully smiles, when her first tooth broke through. Needless to say, we had a lot of milestones this past year, and our wedding anniversary is yet another one that reminds us how blessed we are to have each other.

accenting life: clarity in tragedies

2011-03-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

What's going on in the world today? We are seeing an increase in earthquakes of significant magnitude resulting in large tsunamis and the destruction it left behind is incomprehensible. What happened in Japan late last night was beyond a tragedy. As I write this, there are families out there are worried about their loved ones who are lost in all of this craziness and there are families out there who are grieving their loved ones because they had lost their loved ones.

I write this with a heavy heart and my thoughts and prayers goes out to them.

Above and beyond the tragedy that our world is experiencing, some personally and some just from a humanity standpoint, my heart is particularly heavy today because I recently found out that I have lost a friend in a car accident just a couple of weeks prior. I didn't know how to write about it, I didn't know how to process the grief, I didn't know how to react. I just silently grieved.

These kinds of tragedies has a way of slapping you in the face on a mundane morning, while you're on the high of the anticipation of the weekend ahead. The clarity in perspective comes hard and fast, and all of the sudden, in a moment's notice, you drop everything that you're doing and question your very existence and why you are putting your efforts in something that has no importance in the grand scheme of things.

Today, I woke up and I drove to work, and put out some fires at work before I even get my first (of many) cup of coffee. I had people yelled at me and working feverishly to deal with some issues that have so little relevance or importance to real life. As I take the heat, I wanted, with all my might, to yell at the top of my lungs to these people I sit around them "Do you see what's happening out there in the world beyond this little office?" "Do you not care?"

Obviously, there are some things you want to do, which you could never do. That's what adults do, they control their impulses, and they don't lash out when it is the very thing that their physical bodies want to do. I envy children in that sense that they are able to react as their body see fit, it's healthy for the physical body as well as for the soul.

Sometimes, I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to yell at the top of my lungs. I want to throw my body across the floor, curl up and cry my little heart out.

But I did the opposite, I concentrated with all my might on anything else except the situation at hand, and calm my beating heart and temper. I gotta tell you, it takes physical effort to do that, and for the first time, I understand why adults experience such health issue like heart problem and high blood pressure. These emotions need to be exerted, instead of bottled up, and in doing so, it takes a toll on the physical body.

For the first time in a long time, I am clear in my perspective, and clarity has a way of empowering change. I think in life, one of the greatest tragedies is doubt, which has a way of impeding on the body's ability to take action. I am no longer doubtful, I am no longer afraid, because I have this short life to live, and I need to start living it.

The cliche that "tomorrow may not come" never holds more true in this moment. I am ready.

why Monday gets a bad rep

2011-03-06T12:50:00.000-08:00

Can I just first say how much I admire single parents, especially single parents to newborns or infants? While my husband was away, I had the pleasure of shouldering parenting alone for a few days, and boy was it tough.

Who was I kidding to think that I could sneak some work in there over the weekend, when I couldn't even sneak a shower in? Going to the restroom is an internal debate, and food, it's a luxury and no longer a necessity.

I have a seven month old (my God I never thought I see the day) is now at a point where she recognizes people and certainly expresses her preference for her Mama. I love love love it. When I come home from work and don't pick her up the first thing, she made sure we all know she doesn't like that. I'm not complaining but I would like to grab a quick shower even if I have to forgo the make up, you know just for cleanliness reasons.

But aside from grabbing breakfast at around noon, lunch around five o'clock, and dinner either at midnight or forewent altogether, my girl and I hang out. Our routines are simple, circle around feeding, sleeping and playing. As much as I don't get other things done, I am doing so many other things, that while forced, is so very very welcomed. After all, if I had it my way, I would choose to do these things. However, when we have the luxury of choices, we automatically choose work because that is the thing that needs to get done. We forgo the other things that are just so much more important. But without my husband to help out, I am "forced" to choose play, and so I obliged.

These blocks are so fun and their colors so vibrant. My girl loves them and this weekend was the first time we gave them to her, even though we have them way before she was born.

One of my favorite times with her is weekend mornings, when we are not awaken by the alarm clocks. We just allow the sun to seep through the window and to whisper our names awake. I look over, my sleepy girl flashes me a big radiant smiles, and my day begins.

We are slow to get up, as she has to perform her morning rituals. I was thankful to have the camera nearby to capture them.

Yawns, and lots of yawns.

She's been fascinated with her hands and feet lately and she recently learned enough coordination to use them together. What we get is a whole lot of feet and hands in the air.

And just as we were about to attempt to get up and start our day, she would do something else to keep us in bed for just another hour. Before we know it, it is noon and I haven't even brushed my teeth. These are the reasons why weekend days pass by so fast and that Mondays come too soon. They are also the reasons why Mondays earn their bad names. Come Monday, we have to kiss little footsies goodbye and we can't linger for just another hour.

And as much as I would have liked to sneak in a park outing this weekend, I just couldn't do it with just me and the thousand baby gears to lug around. So, for now, I dream of warmer days and reminisce that past weekend day when we took her to her first park outing when the winter weather permitted 70 degrees.

And as little as I look towards to tomorrow, with memories like these, I am recharged and renewed to power through the work week and look forward to next weekend.

Lia: month 7

2011-03-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Lia,

We have officially survived your first cold. Barely.

We wonder how your little germs, because you are such a little person, can attack your parents with such a vengeance. As you were just getting better from your cold, your dad and I came down with something really bad and it was such unfortunate timing because we were beyond thrilled to have our happy jumpy baby back, except that we can't really enjoy it because we were bed-bound ourselves. Thankfully, those times did pass and we are all better. I'm sure this won't be the last, but at least we can say that we got the first under our belt. I'm just hopeful that it is not a frequent occurrence.

Wow, there is a whole lot of activities in our home this month. Your father left us for 3 weeks to travel to Korea for the Marine Corps. Mama was extremely busy at work, so you were primarily cared for by your grandma. It breaks mama's heart to have to be parted from you so much (because time with you is already scarce as is), we are surviving and I am hopeful that the end of that period will be soon.

You are a happy and healthy child and we are so thankful for that. After all, your health and happiness will remain our number one priority. The rest as they say is just cherry on top, icing on the cake.

As far as development goes, you are now a pro at sitting. There are a few times that you get so excited because something is happening behind you and you can't see it that you strain your little body to see it and as a result fallen over and "eat it." No harm done though and it's part of your learning experience.

The next thing you're working on is crawling. In my mind, you are more interested in walking already because you just want to stand (with support of course) all day long. The only time you are interested in making any movement through crawling is when you are in your crib and you can use the railing to push yourself towards the object you had your eyes on. Anywhere else, you seemed to have made the determination that it's just not worth the effort, so you don't even try. But as they say darling, you gotta crawl before you can walk. Who knows, maybe you'll prove them wrong.

We have increased your solid intake significantly this month after getting the doctor's blessing after your 6 months check-up. You are eating stage 2 foods about 2 to 3 times a day. Your palette does not discriminate at all. Everything is good and you always open your mouth big and wide for whatever is coming on that spoon. Feeding you is not a chore at all because you devour the food so fast. Because of your solid intakes, we are seeing significant decrease in your formula intake. Mind as well because we do have to expand your palette so that you don't become a picker eater like your father. Already you got him beat because you love your vegetables, and Mama cannot get him to eat any veggie to save my life.

We are also beginning to feed you more table foods, and you love munching on things that Mama and Daddy eat, particularly banana and ice cream. I'm sure in no time, we would have to start getting used to a portion for you as well. Is it crazy that Mama is looking forward to the day that I would make you mac and cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches? Just as I am working hard to create memories for you, these are memories that I am building for myself as well. Trust me when I tell you, darling, that these little memories are the very thing that carry us through our lives.

Your first tooth finally poke through the surface and we can see it, and it is oh so very cute. There is nothing cuter than a little babe with her very own tooth. The getting there part was hard, but once it is there, it is precious.

You finally found your hands, and oh are you just curious at them. Sometimes, you would sit there for minutes at a time moving your hands about and being fascinated with each movement. Since then, you also found that if you take your hands, open them wide, and hit them together that they make this fascinating sound. It's called a clap. You do it all the time, but especially when you first wake up or when you get really excited. You won't do it on command though, everything is in your own time. That's okay, there will be plenty of time in your life to take orders from others. For now, do your own thing in your own time. We will wait, we will cheer, and we will be amazed at every little movement your little body can make.

You now weigh 21 pounds and 12 ounces, 27.5 inches with a head circumference of 18 inches. Boy you can jump, all 21 pounds of you can make for one tired Mama who finds it hard to keep up. But just when I'm that exhausted, I find one more ounce of energy to enjoy you while you are young. I wish I could just freeze this time and put it in a bottle so I can treasure you forever in this moment in time. But as impossible as that sound and you will grow and one day grow up, I'm comforted by the fact that even better times are around the corner, and we're going to get there together, you, me, Daddy and Reggie.

You are so loved.

Mama

accenting life: growing a baby

2011-03-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

Now that I am almost seven months postpartum, and life with a baby is finally starting to resemble life pre-baby as we are establishing better routines (though I doubt that we will ever see that life ever again), I am able to begin thinking back to my pregnancy with more clarity.

What a whirlwind that was. 40 weeks seemed to have came and went. Just yesterday when I shot Lia's 30th week photo, I remembered having just counted that same number only a few months ago, from a different perspective. I remember reaching 30 weeks in pregnancy was both a relief and a pain. I was thrilled by each passing week that we were getting closer to the pregnancy milestone at 32 weeks, where the chance of the baby being born at that time would result in significant increase in survival rate. But my growing belly at each passing week also left me exhausted beyond comprehension. The third trimester was a little bittersweet for me because I struggle with the dichotomy of wanting this beautiful time to pass ever slowly so I can savor it and wanting the end to arrive already so I can feel like my old self again.

Now that that supposed phantom baby is here in the flesh, I just simply cannot imagine my life without her. But when I think back to the short (in the grand scheme of a life) time period when I was growing a baby, I forever remember one of the greatest experiences of my life, having had my body stretch to an inconceivable limit and in just a few short months, get it back like nothing had ever happened, other than there is a living breathing proof that it did happen. (I recognize that I am one of the lucky few whose bodies returned to its normal pre-baby shape/weight. For that I am forever grateful).

It is in that period of creating life that I was most in touch with my own life, having been reduced to just the basic instinct of survival and safety and fear and happiness. I experienced varying emotions in such its raw forms that emotions experienced under other circumstances do not compare.

Though I acknowledge that the road of parenthood is a long one, one that extends beyond this minute and any words scripted today, and I continue to find happiness in her and worry about her everyday, I am forever branded by this time period when it was my sole responsibility to keep this growing thing inside of me alive. It does not get more basic than that. Beyond that, she is shaped by her environment, which extends beyond my little body and my capabilities.

accenting life: same minutes in a day

2011-02-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

Last week was bad week. I worked 16 hours day every day to meet a deadline. As a result, I saw my girl for 30 minutes every single day. I kissed her goodbye for the day, but the same kiss is a goodnight kiss as I would not be home from work before she heads to bed. For the first time since I returned to work, I cried on the way.

When the weekend arrived, there was still too much work to be done, there was a lot of work I was expected to do over the weekend. As I sit here on Sunday night, with my girl napping next to me, the TV humming in the background, the workload still piled up nearby, I did not touch it. I made a decision to not touch it.

I was too busy, busy being a mama. Busing doing the things I love.

I watched my girl grow. Her greatest and latest is clapping.

She's entertained by the sound of her hands coming together and making a noise. She does it often, but mostly when she first wakes up from her nap, or when I sing her the itsy bitsy spider along with the hand motions and all. She claps, as though to cheer me on and saying more. I always obliged.

Her tooth had came in.

I guess it bothers her, so she often sticks her finger in her mouth and plays with it. As a result, I get these pictures that look like she's deep in thoughts.

Gone are the days when my girl would stay in one place. She can often be found wanting to stand and supporting herself on the ottoman. I am now validated that it was a good investment to switch out the wood cofee table with something a little softer to catch her fall.

And when she's not doing something extremely cute, she plays with her toys and having staring contest with these unanimated objects.

Often times, we join in on the fun as well.

This weekend, I chose to not touch work, because Monday comes too soon and work will still be there if I finished some tasks over the weekend. I would miss out on my girl's smiles and growth. We are all given the same number of hours in a day, I had given up many of my hours to work during the weekdays. It's only fair that I return some of it back to my girl. In the act of doing so, I return some of it to myself. I am renewed and recharged, and that's what the weekends are all about.

accenting life: strangers

2011-02-24T19:31:00.001-08:00

After a long work week with really no end in sight, and having just worked a 16 hour day only 4 hours earlier, I was exhausted, lacking sleep and missing my baby, I willed my body to get up and drove to work. I happily took a detour and turned into the parking lot of the familiar Starbucks that I frequented during my years of college. I like that place, it is familiar and it gives me back a piece of my past, a time period when I enjoyed life and lived life.

I don't go there often anymore, mainly because time, or the lack thereof, does not permit for a cup of coffee "for here" while indulging myself to whatever the latest newspaper headline is anymore. It's now "to go", "thank you" and dodging to avoid bumping into the person blocking me and the door. Oh how life had changed from a once carefree time and while the world was my oyster.

But I digress. I groggily walked into the Starbucks disappointed by the long line. I am early for work, but I still have so much to do. I could turned around and get back into my car and will the day to go by fast without much needed caffeine. I have done it before. It's doable. Today though, I'm trying to will a foreseeable terrible day into a better one, and I had a feeling that Starbucks might just be the thing that will do the trick. So I hesitantly proceeded to the end of the line.

I wasn't in a good mood today, and did I say I was tired? When the middle aged man walked in after me gave me a friendly smile, I had to do my darnest to muster up a returned smile. I was surprised by how better I felt after being forced to smile to return friendliness extended to me from a stranger. And despite however I felt at that moment, the act of smiling made me feel better than any caffeine could. We did not speak, we did not verbal interact, but in that split second we as strangers established a connection.

During my drive to the office, I am suddenly renewed and inspired by this insta-connection. It felt good and I think the driving force is because it is a connection established by equals.

Day to day, I work in an environment where there is rigid structure, where the reporting ladder is clearly defined, and people act according to their position. I constantly witness and even been directly working with people who abuse their powers, and expect everyone to respond to their every whim, above and beyond the job requirements. These professional relationships are not established between two equals and the imbalance in power can be quite exhausting to deal with. I find that indulging the unreasonable whims of a forty year old male so that his ego can be stroke is just disgusting.

Therefore, these rare connections that I find with strangers are refreshing change from the day to day routine.

And so I went on, pasting just another smile to my face, extending just a little more courtesy, saying just a one more thank you in hopes that it would help brighten someone's day.

accenting life: all is fair in love and war

2011-02-19T09:21:00.001-08:00

Setting the alarm clock on a Saturday morning is just criminal. Setting it for work is pure insanity. But it was set, and I did respond to its screeching calls, no matter how slow. I dressed, I kissed sweet cheeks goodbye, I whispered my "I love you"s along with my apologies for yet another day spent away from the people I love.

I know I write a lot about the demand of my day job a lot lately, and it may be a bit overly dramatic, but I am at reaching a crossroad where I have to think about career and family. These days, people particularly women obviously can and have successfully maintain a balance of family and career, it just that it CANNOT happen in the career I have chosen, one composed of predominantly males who have support of stay at home wives, and females who made it pays a very big price. This is a consistency and a fact of this career. The demand of the job and the working hours just does not allow for females to successfully climb this corporate ladder while maintaining a successful home life.

While I recognize that love and mutual respect and kindness all all factors that weave together for a lasting and happy relationship, but I feel that maintaining a balance of fairness is a great contributing factor. When I was single, or heck, while we were DINKs (Dual Income No Kids), I was able to be extremely selfish who consistently asked my husband to take care of his own meals because I would once again be working late. It was okay, he was independent, and we didn't need to be with each other twenty four seven. We were two independent people who happened to decide they want to spend this life together. We had our own careers, we worked hard and sacrificed a lot to make our vision of a life a reality. Sometimes, it's not fair for me to ask him to share a lot of my time. But our situation was still fair to the both of us because sometimes he travels and I have to share a lot of his time with his job.

It's different now. A child is in a mix. We're no longer two independent people who consistently share meals together. We are parents. We are a family. A baby now needs me and my time, more than my job does. It's not fair for me to ask her to share so much of my time. So why is it that I willingly put the needs of my job first, sometimes at the expense of the needs of my child? I like my job, I love my child.

I will not be a mother who chooses her career. I don't want to lose my daughter. I will have nothing in the end if I lose my daughter, and then ultimately lose my job. There will be nothing left.

The choice is clear. I will switch job, to one that may be un-stimulating day to day but would provide me with more time. Time for my family. Time for my baby. Time to do things I love. Yes, I will still be away from her for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, but that is a heck of a lot less time spent away than what I'm currently doing, working 12 hour day, 6 to 7 days a week for periods at a time. It's not fair to her, to force her to grow without her mother's presence.

It's not fair to my husband. We had this child together. I should share the workload. I should share the late nights, the diaper change, the heartache and the headache. I should also get to share the great times, the play times, the down times. It's not fair to ME to have to give up that time because I had to provide for my family. I'll share the workload, but I should also be able to reap the reward of getting some time with my girl.

Currently, our situation is a little shifted, and it's not fair for all parties involved. It would work for now, in the short term, but it is not sustainable. I want to work less, Joe wants to work more. I want more time with my child, Joe is going insane from spending too much time with a dependent baby. My girl wants time with both of her parents. NOT fair all the way around.

Something is in the works, and I'm excited for at least having decided to do something about the situation. The result, it is just logistics.

DIY spree

2011-02-16T11:22:00.000-08:00

Now that I have packed my CPA books away because I have taken the last test (the waiting for the result is always the most painful), I am trying to be patient while crossing my fingers and toes that I can leave those books packed away for good.

Now that I have 4 hours or so more in a day because I no longer have to hit the book, I am allocating it accordingly, 2 more hours to my daughter, 1 hour more to work, and one hour more to doing what I love and that's crafting and making things with my two hands. Sure, you can certainly bite the bullet and shell out the money to buy any of these things I am making, but where's the fun in that?

So, to give you a sense of what I'm working on, here's a sneak peak. One or two of these are just that, sneak peak, for a long time since it is a really big project and I don't anticipate the completion of it for a while. After all, it is on the Thirty before 30 list for a reason. No small feat!

A large felt flower brooch.

I love pairing this with a boring cardigan for work, and often do to spice things up a bit. Making this is really quite simple. I freehand all of the layers in different sizes and in different quantity of petals. You really cannot go wrong with this project. I have about 7 layers on there and top it off with a cute yellow button that I purchased on eBay. Slap a little pin in the back and voila.

Queen size granny square blanket

I'm hoping to get this done by next winter so that it can adorn our bed before my taste and color goes out of style and I have to abandon this project before its completion. I am just over the moon in love with granny square anything lately. There is such a granny chic feel to it that it adds to any room. When the color combo is done right, it can also be very very modern. I chose to go with yellow, white and grey for this project. If you didn't get the idea already, I am just loving grey. Who isn't in the blog world lately?

This will be one of those projects that I won't be able to show the end result for a while.

I can however show you the progress and the result of a smaller sized blanket that I made for my dear friend who was expecting. She had since given birth and I hope her little enjoy the blanket that I put my heart and soul into making. Here it is modeled by my daughter who also loves it, but she already has her own blanket that was lovingly made by her grandmother (my mother) for her.

accenting life: fathering

2011-02-14T00:25:00.000-08:00

Our babe is teething and with teething comes a whole new perspective on what it is like to be a parent. In fact, it is quite reminiscent of the newborn days: sleeplessness, fussiness, constant need to cuddle...you get the idea.

Last night just as midnight rolls around, I heard a screaming baby through two close doors and my working fingers stop typing as I strain my ears to hear. I waited it out, heard scrambling footsteps, heard crying stop and heard wailing begins again. I reluctantly put my work down to go to the room next door to check on my babe. What I saw absolutely broke my heart but builds it back up again to an even bigger one filled with much more love. Behind my girl's glassy teary eyes was a comfort found from laying atop a chest of a tired father who remained awake to ease the pain of his baby girl.

Sitting there is a man devoted to his family, his daughter and his wife, to step up to the plate to do what is right, to share the mountainous workload. There we were, at the cusp of Valentine's day, and I was chased out of my daughter's room to return to bed to go to sleep, and I reluctantly do so after giving my two loves sweet kisses and whispers of "I love you". As I return to bed and turned out the light to fall asleep, I am cradled by the comfort that although my daughter is in pain from tooth cutting through flesh, her father is alongside her comforting her back to sleep even though he has to give up his own sleep to do so.

Although Joe and I don't really celebrate Valentine's day, he is giving me a present on this day while the rest of the world celebrate through material exchanges. It was no diamond, or flowers or chocolate, it was a gift of good night sleep and it is the best gift anyone could have given me. More importantly, it is not a gift given only on this day. It is given to me every single day because I need it to be able to get up the next morning to go to work. It is true what they say, love should not be celebrated only on Valentine's day, it should be celebrated the other 364 as well.

While we have our moments of frustration from being overly tired while rearing a growing baby, my husband consistently shows me that he is a willing partner and a devoted father, to take some of the workload, to shamelessly perform duties that are traditionally female so that his wife will have one less thing to do after a long day work. And while I don't say that I appreciate it every hour of the day, it doesn't go unnoticed.

He puts the other husbands to shame. He puts other mothers to shame. While we are a young couple trying figure out this life as husband and wife, as parents, and discovering along the way what works for us and what it would take to feed this love so that it would last a lifetime, I truly believe that it is this kind of unwavering devotion to family that will feed our love and re-spark the ember of a once new love and giving way to a more purposeful relationship, and help it grow through the years.

For all this and more, I love my Valentine's on this Valentine's Day of the year two thousand and eleven.

accenting life: changing status quo

2011-02-13T23:14:00.000-08:00

Some time during the past 6 months, I have grown to be acutely aware of my existence, to focus on what I really want out of this life. And although I cannot pinpoint the exact point when I experience this shift of focus, this change in point of view, I know that some thing is in the works here.

What weighs heavily on my mind lately is this paradoxical pull of wanting to be a powered career woman and a desire to be a mama to my fast growing baby girl. I am raised in this generation of working mothers, of day care, of feminism and all of it is such a normal part of my life, a normal part of my thoughts.

I started college a decade ago, intended to get a good education and put that degree to work for the rest of my working life. I chose wisely, majoring in a field that may be boring but would get me the money rather than something that my heart desires but was going to leave me poor. So far, it and I had been working hard for the past 5 years since graduation, and I was on my way.

Fast forward to the present, a baby in tow, and maternity leave and all of its free time got me thinking. Can I leave it all behind me and be a stay at home mama? I toyed with the idea, put it to rest immediately and went back to cuddling my sweet baby girls before this precious time ends. When that time did end, I set the alarm clock to an earlier time, I changed diapers, I kissed sweet checks goodbye, I headed out the door to the world I once knew, and got back into the groove of debating financial issues once more. It came naturally, I am good at what I do, I enjoy the work, but I detest the hours it demand from my very very short days.

It had been more than two months since that day and many long working hours days later, I am reconsidering that initial idea that had planted its seed in my head. No, I would not be a full time stay at home mama, our family still needs my income. But the thought of changing my job, cutting back the hours, not earning as much as I would like, not moving as fast as I would have in exchange for just a few more hours with my baby suddenly sounds more enticing.

A few months ago, this would not have been a possible consideration while I was the primary provider for our family. Suddenly, prospect of employment for my unemployed husband at a job that he would love and pays the bills for us makes it suddenly possible. So, the seed that had planted its roots into my head began to sprout once more, and instead of turning it away immediately, I'm beginning to toy with the idea once more.

I think I'm ready for a change.

I think my family is ready for a change.

A change induced by a tiny infant who has no idea what havoc she had created in our lives, not only in a sense of stirring up our daily routines to meet her needs, but to challenge our status quo, to show us what is really important, and to unapologetically disturb our convictions that we once held dear. To be fair, she also give us the courage to take actions towards newly found convictions.

I look forward to the next steps in our lives, coincidentally along side a baby who is also about to takes her first steps.

my girl

2011-02-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

I can often be found to refer to my baby as my girl on this blog, and even in real life. There is something terribly sweet about those words together, so tender and so possessive.

Before I was ever pregnant, before I had a boyfriend, before I even knew what sex is, I knew that when I have children, I wanted a girl. When my peers and I reached the age where we start to build our families, one by one, each of us get pregnant and every single time, I secretly hope that it would be a girl. Whenever anyone ask me what my guess of gender for a specific pregnancy, I will always default to girls. I am biased towards girls. I love girls, above and beyond the reason that I continually witness men transform themselves for the sake of their baby daughters. For that reason, I want my husband to have a girl.

Fast forward to the present, we have a healthy beautiful (can you say biased?) baby girl. She is my girl.

My girl is going through her first cold today (and it is full blown with fever, runny nose, cough and one tooth breaking through), I am heartbroken when she goes through one of her coughing episodes. I feel helpless and my girl had been such a trooper through it all. Naturally, she's fussy and she can't sleep, but she could have been much much more fussy. For that I am grateful.

We don't get into a habit of rocking her to sleep at night. But when my girl is sick, I definitely make exceptions. Last night she would not sleep for her daddy and at 5am, I lay her on my chest and with her binky in her mouth she was out like a light. As uncomfortable as I was, I couldn't help but cherish these moments when I am able to provide some comfort for my girl. I kept thinking how fast she is growing, and in a few years, she would probably not want anything to do with me. So I lay there, my girl on top of me, my husband next to me, my dog at my feet, I thank the good Lord the blessings in my life.

I can't wait for the day my crazy-haired girl get back to her old happy self.

Lia: 6 month photoshoot

2011-02-07T09:39:00.003-08:00

This past weekend, the weather in Norcal took a turn for the better and reached 76 degrees at midday on Saturday. Since we haven't taken my girl's 6th months pictures yet because it had been too cold lately, we thought this would be a perfect opportunity to do so.

I love that as we do these photoshoots every 3 months, her personality became more and more apparent and she is that much more fun to shoot.

Click HERE to see her 3 month photoshoot.
On a different note, one of my dear friend gave birth to her beautiful daughter on Friday afternoon. Both mother and child are doing so well. What still amazes me is that she does it all natural; I'm always amaze at anyone who is able to do it without drugs. Congrats to my dear friend!

Lia: month 6

2011-02-03T15:32:00.000-08:00

Dearest Lia,

I'm going to date myself a little bit here and say, "O-M-G." Don't hold this against me when you're older and there are much cooler words escaping your mouth.

It seems like every time we reached a milestone, I'm awed by how fast we get there. Yet here we are, 6 months from the date of your birth.

I am not one of those moms, at least I try very hard to not be, that brags and compares my child with other people's children. Your dad has a little bit of work in that department, and I constantly try to remind him to be more conscious of it, but I do understand why people do it: it's only because we are all so very proud of our children and just want to shout it from the rooftop. I am so very very proud of you.

At the beginning of the month, you began to sit on your own. By the time the month ends, you are a pro. Somewhere in between, there were a few times where I find you sitting one second and the next, your face was on the couch. I guess it is the joy of parenthood as we watch our children grow.

This month, the thing that amazes you are your hands. You are still working on it, but you are beginning to find coordination in you hands and start to grab at everything. I especially love it when you concentrate with all your might to to grab whatever was your aim or when you stare at the movement you hands can make. Your favorite thing to do while I try to put you to sleep at night is running your fingers against the rail of the crib. The noise amuses you.

You will have a little girl friend coming soon and because you are growing out of your infant car seat, we decided to give it up to her and put you in a convertible car seat. You enjoy the extra space tremendously and the ability to sit up a bit more during the car rides. We were glad you transition so well.

Speaking of transition, you no longer get swaddled when you sleep. This was Mommy and Daddy's biggest fear because you were so dependent on that swaddle wrap to help you sleep soundly. You surprised us by taking to the transition so easily. One day you were swaddled, one day you were free, and you sleep just fine. It was a good thing too because you are getting just way too big for that swaddle. If only we can cut you off of your binky, but I guess one thing at a time.

Unfortunately, your good sleep did not last too long as your tooth is starting to come in. Nothing is apparent yet, but when you bite down, there is definitely is something poking through. No wonder you love your little pal Sofie, who you could chew on for days. Your frozen rings are not bad either.

You survived Mama's first cold (which literally took me out, and unfortunately while Daddy was away visiting Grandma Paula in Philly). So you get to spend lots more time with Grandma Hao. You really love her and I wish you could have the same relationship with Grandma Paula. I wish a lot of things for you.

This month, Mama was so busy with work and studying for the CPA exam that I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with you. But the time away from you just make me treasure the time I have with you ever more. I constantly ask you to slow down on growing so I can catch up, but you are already so stubborn. You just keep growing before my very eyes.

This month you reached 20 pounds and 8 ounces, 26.75 inches and 16.5 inches in head circumference at your 6 month check up. When the doctor turned the screen around so we can see the stats, we were amazed that your dot shot out of the range. You are now above 100% in weight. Fortunately, you are proportional to your height and head size, so there is no concern, it just makes for a good laugh at how overachieving you are to your peers.

You officially have blessing from your pediatrician to graduate from stage 1 foods and onto stage 2. It's perfect timing too because a jar of stage 1 food is just not sufficient for my growing girl anymore. Not only that, but you love to eat whatever we are eating. You particularly love bananas and ice cream, and we sometimes sneak you a piece.

As you enter the second half of your first year, I'm sure that we will reach many more milestone together. But for selfish reason, I would really love for you to just slow down a little bit so I can enjoy this time together a little bit more with you. Being your mama is the proudest title I could ever earn. May we always have a great time together as we do right now.

You are so loved.
Mama

coming up for air

2011-02-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a month. The last time I posted was when my girl turned 5 months. She turned 6 today (I'll be posting her 6 months progress later today). It had been a hectic month to say the least, but a productive one.

This month I have put everything on hold. I have denied dinner dates with friends. I reduced the time I spent with my daughter to as low as an hour a day. I had no time with my husband. I seized crafting. I put my passion on hold. For one single thing.

I spent the entire month working on one of the items from the Thirty before 30 list, the very first one, the motherload, the dreaded CPA exam.

It by itself, is already a quite a feat to accomplish, but coupling it with an infant in tow and busy season at work, is just down right a killer. I don't recommend it. But after a whole month of working 10-12 hr days and spending the night studying until 1 or 2am, it makes for an exhausted working mother, and a frustrated father/husband who has to carry the load. But the end (for now) is here. I took my last test yesterday, and with impending scores to be released in about 2 months, I will pack up my books and materials and put them away. My dining room table instead will be sprawled with craft materials instead of study material. I turned off the old computer dedicated to the study materials.

There is nothing I can do now but wait patiently to see that score. With the 4, 5 hours a day that are suddenly freed up, I will spend each minute of it with my daughter, getting back some time with my patient husband, do more crafts, get back to my hobbies. In two months I hope I would be able to perform a burning ritual on those dreaded CPA books, and cleanse myself of it for good. But for now, I will enjoy my precious time.

Lia: 5 month

2011-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

It seems like every month that passes, every day that passes even, I ask myself how time can fly so fast. You are already 5 months old, and your first major holidays are behind us. It all seems so bittersweet, because it seems like I had looked forward to all of them so long ago, and they just passed by in a blur. I took such great care to create a magical holiday season for you to enjoy, even though you won't remember any of it. But I remember. And one day I will reminisce with you about your first Thanksgiving, your first Chirstmas, your first New Year. By that time, you probably won't care. But I care.

Around this time last year, I had only dreamt about what you looked like and what we would be doing with you. This year, I got it all, and so much more than what I had imagined.

This month, you successfully slept in your crib alone. You are such a good sleeper, even though Mommy and Daddy sometimes complain because we have to get up in the middle of the night to feed you. Sometimes, we lie in bed at night with you in the other room and Mommy gets sad because you are becoming such a big girl. It seemed like a lifetime ago that you slept in a little bassinet next to our bed. One of my favorite past time is to sneak into your room and put you down on the daybed, lie next to you and cuddle with you as the clock tick on. Sometimes it's just a few minutes, and sometimes, I get the luxury of sleeping there with you in my arms for hours.

After your 4 months appointment, the doctor gave us her blessing to start you on solid foods. You have taken rice cereal in your milk since you turned 2 months, but now, we actually get to feed you real solid foods. Mommy was so excited that I ran to the store and pretty much cleaned off their shelves. I bought more than 60 jars of baby food of varying kinds, including applesauce (week 1), pear (week 2), green pea (week 3), banana (week 4), carrot, green bean, squash and sweet potato. You do not discriminate and you devour them all. Although we only feed you half a jar in the first feeding, you quickly graduated to a whole jar after just a few tries. You so look forward to feeding times now, it's so cute!

As the days pass, you develop so much personality and do things that constantly amaze me. You got into the habit of blowing bubbles and your concentration to get big wet ones led your Pop Pop to dub you with a loving nickname of "Juicy." I think it's extremely cute and sometimes still call you that long after he left. But my favorite nickname for you is pumpkin, because you so resembles the pumpkins that we picked up at the pumpkin patch during Halloween.

You are a pro at turning over now, but of course you do it on your own time. The latest and greatest thing you are working on is sit on your own. When we do your weekly picture, we always had to use the bumbo chair to prop you up, but on week 21, you sat all on your own for an extended period of time long enough for me to get some great pictures. We officially dubbed that day as the day you can sit on your own. Obviously, you are still working really hard to become at pro at it, and I have no doubt that you will get a hang of it in no time.

Since your cognitive skills are improving quickly, we are starting to do a lot of activities with you and giving you toys. In fact, your toys are quickly taking over our living room with its colors and size and sounds. You are so amazed by them and we are so amazed by you. You are also becoming such a big girl as we advanced you into size 3 diapers at the beginning of this month. At the end of month 5, you weigh 18 pounds, 27.5 inches with a head circumference of 17.5 inches. My girl, you are growing like a weed.

On December 6, Mommy returned to work after spending everyday with you for 4 months. It was a sad time, and Mommy really miss you during the work day, but we are counting our blessing that you are taken care of by your grandmother who loves and adores you so very much.

You are such a happy baby and you are thriving before our eyes. We so look forward to the coming months as you continue to amaze us with your development and growth.

You are so loved.

Mama

goodbye, hello

2011-01-02T22:42:00.000-08:00

I sit here wasting yet another hour or so composing this post when there are so much to do, and so little time to do it in.

A few feet away from me, my tiny tot is fast asleep all swaddled snug and her daddy tending to her while I'm on the computer trying to load as much information as I can into my brain that seems overcapacity. It's going in and coming right out at this point. But the test is on Tuesday and I only have a little more than 24 hours left to get even just one more piece of information to stick.

This holiday season has been a wonderful one, filled with family and loved ones. Most of all, it is filled with a tiny little baby that is so little yet so filling at the same time. What they say is being said yet again, having a baby really rekindle the Christmas spirit that somehow had left along with the coming of adulthood.

When Christmas morning arrived, we pulled on our robe and rushed down the stairs with a little babe in our arms to see what Santa had left us...there is nothing cuter than a red/white striped footsie.

At last, we can finally reap the reward of being so good this year.

Once the little celebration with just our little family is complete, we get ready for the day and welcome our families for the rest of the day.

We dined, we opened more presents, we laughed, we enjoyed each other's company. And just like the nicely wrapped presents that we just tore open prior, we wrapped these fond memories up, and store it away in our minds for yet another Christmas day passed.

And unfortunately, I had not had an opportunity to post very many pics of our decorated house. I was too busy working on the decorations to actually post them, so better late than never.

Unfortunately and reluctantly, these came down the day after Christmas as we get ready to welcome the new year. It was an uneventful one with sweet kisses and quiet baby breathing. There was only one picture, of us in our pajamas, makeup less and ready for bed.

May the new year bring limitless opportunities, because in opportunities, there are possibilities.

goodnight moon and Merry Christmas

2010-12-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else love this book as much as I love it. On the night of 12/20/2010 (or for some of you out here in the East, it was 12/21/2010) I stayed up until 11:41 to see the full moon disappeared into the shadow of the earth, and all that was left (for a few minute) was a red fireball in the skies.

During those few minutes, I was snug in my robe with a pair of arms wrapped around me tight, a little babe slept soundly in the house, I stood there witnessing history in the making. The last time that happened was on the same day in 1638 and the next one is scheduled for 2094. In 2010, I stood on the little piece of earth that I own and call home, with the ones I love, and look towards the skies with millions of people around the world, in their piece of earth, owned or rent, but called home nonetheless. If that doesn't humble you, I'm not sure what does.

And under that same moon, every night, there are still stories to be told, and history to be made. It's our own little history that will be cataloged in our own family history book of memories.

Every little babe's smile

Every present shared with friends

Every new gesture that exude from inexperienced limbs

Every kiss shared between loved ones

Every second spent with the ones we love

Every present opened that symbolizes the love shared between people

These are all filed away neatly in the back of our minds, our history book, so that when Christmas is all over and the decorations neatly stored away in the attic, and we battle the hardships of the everyday, we can pulled them out, use them for all they're worth and put them back for a later day.

To me, the effort that goes into making the holidays special is so worth it. Because in the years that follow, and who know, maybe in the year 2094, when we stand under the same moon, we can reminisce that during Christmastime of 2010, there was a lunar eclipse during our first born's Christmas, and that it had been that long, and we had a wonderful life with our little girl, who is also now an old woman, since then. Yeah right, fat chance that we would be standing when we are 120 years old. At the very least, we'd be in our wheel chair, methinks.

As the countdown to Christmas officially begins, I'm looking forward to spending the time with family and friends, old and new, and making holiday memories for filing. Good thing we have unlimited data in this storage facility. Hope everyone have a wonderful and joyous Christmas.

new year resolution - 2011

2010-12-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

There are a couple of things I'm determined to do/finish this coming year.

Finish the CPA exams. I'm struggling with it right now, but if things go my way, I'll be done in February. Hopefully I'll be able to cross this off the list soon enough.
Save $10 thousand dollars.
Keep up with my 365 photography project
Keep up with my budgeting workbook.
Finish the granny square blanket I've barely started.

That is all. Start small, finish big!

photo dump

2010-12-08T18:38:00.000-08:00

My returning to work really impede on the ability to write blog posts. Having said that, the week prior to me returning, I got the house ready for Christmas because I knew that my time to do the things I love (decorating, crafting, spending time with my family) would be significantly decreased. So, here is a dump of pictures from the daily happenings to prepare for my favorite season of all.

We started the kick off to Christmas season with home made Christmas card. I spent some time designing it and personalizing it. Once it was printed, it was time for a lot of paper punching and assembling before it gets stuffed and sent off.

We went to Christmas in the Park one day. It's a San Jose tradition. It's spectacular at night, but being that Lia is so young, we didn't want to risk bringing her out in the cold during cold/flu season, so we opted to go there during the day on a weekday. It's not the same without the lights and the crowd, but it was still nice.

Then we put up the Christmas tree. We are still a young family trying to find some tradition to carry through the year. This is the first year when Lia is present with us, so we just kinda went with it.

Having some fun in the process

Nothing kicks off the start of Christmas more than the presence of the tree. While I admire those who make it a family tradition to decorate the tree the night before Christmas, I just deprive myself of the glory of a Christmas tree all of December. Cuddling with my daughter with the glow of lights in the background is just one of the best feelings ever...

back to the life I once knew

2010-12-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 6, 2010, will mark yet another chapter in my life. There are specific moments in life that are seared into memories. Over the course of the last 5 months, I had a lot of those moments, and today is one to add to the list. Today, I return to work, to be back to a life that I once knew, but now seems absolutely foreign to me.

I woke up today at 7am (not particularly early), but instead of cuddling with my baby right away, I got the shower running, spent the next 45 minutes getting ready, put on my make up, stepped into a professional dress, adorned myself in earrings and a watch, sprayed on my usual Burberry perfume, pulled on a coat, stepped into my 3 inch pumps, and kissed my daughter goodbye for the day. My heart broke and I choked back a tear.

This day had came, the day that I spent the entire weekend dreading and praying that somehow time would slow down a little bit. I took every waking moment to hold her hand, to kiss her, to play with her, to hold her and just to let her know that she is loved.

And as I walked out the house today, her big round eyes were glued to mine, and it took all my strength to break that bond. And as I walked away, a smile is still plastered on her face, it is a smile of the unknown, and how I wish I had that same innocence and ignorant bliss. I trotted away from the door towards the car in my 3 inch heels, the pieces of my heart were left in a trail behind.

As I sit in my cubicle that I used to spend 9, 10, sometimes even 12 hours and as long as 36 hours straight before, I remembered when this was so normal, so everyday, now just all seem foreign to me. What is normal is for me to roll out of bed in my pajamas, and have little round cheeks and round thighs at my disposal to dispense my kisses to. Soon, the familiarity of grey walls and grown up conversations about financial statements will once again be spewing from my throat, but today, I reserve the right to pout at having to miss baby talks, even if I am surrounded by those grey walls.

Looking back, I am extremely lucky to have an employer who allows me 5 months off to prepare, give birth and spend time with my baby girl. I can't imagine missing that time with her and missing all the things that she has to show us with her inexperienced little bodies. I'm also extremely blessed to have my mother to take care of her, in the comfort of our home so that she's not taken away from the familiar. The struggle in having to share the precious moments with another person, even if it's my mother, is a struggle that is singularly mine. Though I doubt I will ever overcome it, this sure will pass, and we will establish a new normalcy together. Today mark a new chapter in our lives, a chapter that I dread to write, but the story continues, and happier times will come...

Lia: 4 month

2010-12-03T23:36:00.000-08:00

Dear little Lia,

This month will start out on a little negative note, simply because it has been challenging, at least in the beginning. If I do have to call this month by any name, it would be a month of progress and regression. We started the beginning of your third month retiring the bassinet and transitioning you to your crib cold turkey. You didn't like that at all, even if mama and daddy slept no more than 5 feet away from you in the same room. You constantly look around when we lay you down in your crib assessing the unfamiliar. After two weeks, you just begun to get used to the surrounding. I'm guessing it will be a while before daddy and I will be able to sleep in our bed together again. We don't necessarily mind the distance, what we mind was the loss of sleep that we had just begun to enjoy while you slept through the night during your third month. Sometimes, we kicked ourselves for wanting to change things up for you, but it is a necessary evil.

Another evil was getting your ears pierced. We took you on the day you turned 3 month, and my heart absolutely broke when your cry pierced the silent air of the small shop. Your daddy had to be the one to hold you because I simply could not take it. You were such a trooper and instantly recovered as soon as the procedure was over. It couldn't have lasted more than 10 seconds, but I felt like it was an eternity. You didn't have any trouble with it since then and you look absolutely adorable with your pierced earrings.

You are also making significant progress in the growth department. At your 4 month check up, you clocked in at 16 pounds 8 ounces, 25.5 inches long with a head circumference at 16.93 inches.

At 14 weeks, you started to turn over all on your own and you can hold your head up without bobbing anymore. You enjoy lying on your stomach and every time you do, you give us some of the biggest smiles we have ever seen, and our hearts just absolutely melt. One of our biggest indulgence is playing with you and you reward us with these hearty purposeful chuckles. Feeding time had became just a little bit difficult since you are squirming to try and explore your surrounding and wanting to hold your own bottles. Gone are the days when we can place you in the couch and step away to get something, or when the bottles are finished in a flash and ending with a nice long nap. We don't mind though since it is so much fun to explore the world with you through your eyes. It is quite eye-opening. How did we ever get so lucky to be your parents. With every little milestones you met, our hearts just swell with pride. I don't think you can ever comprehend how much pride we have in you.

We enjoyed our first Thanksgiving with you, and your paternal grandmother and her boyfriend flew out all the way from Philadelphia to meet you. They have looked forward to the day since the news of your existence begun. Although you don't realize it just yet, but it was quite a special time for all of us. It really is too bad that they don't live closer so that you can have the relationship I wish you can have with them. Your father's side of the family is quite phenomenal, and I'm a little sad that you are a bit deprived of them through distance. Maybe that will change in the future, but for now, everyone is quite blessed to enjoy every moment they can have with you.

I really can't believe that you are here for this Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is quite special for me, not only because it is my favorite holiday of all time, but because I discovered your existence only days prior to Thanksgiving of last year. We broke the news to my side of the family on Thanksgiving that year and everyone was just ecstatic of your existence and dream of your arrival. You are quite loved by the people in your life, I hope you know that. We are so looking forward to the next month because it will be your first Christmas. You don't know it yet, but Christmas is really a magical time and we want to make it absolutely magical for you, even if you don't understand it yet. It is important to establish traditions as a family for you to grow up with and remind you of the familiarity of home during this time of the year.

You are so very truly loved,

Mama

Tutorial: poinsettia tree skirt

2010-12-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

I found this beautiful tree skirt over at Garnet Hill the other day and wanted one so bad! It's gorgeous! But at $198 a pop, we couldn't justify the purchase, no matter how much I said to myself and to my husband that I will absolutely use it for the next 10 years, making it only approximately $20 a year. He didn't buy it, and neither did I, internally...

So, the next best thing was to do it myself...

Instead of the white, I opted to go with red since most of everything we have Christmas related is red. And because I'm going for the red/white twine Christmas this year (I love the vintage/modern look prevalent this year), I wanted a new tree skirt because our existing tree skirt is a green/gold, it is opposite of what I'm going for. So, here's how I made this:

Materials:
-1 yard of fabric (I used Waverly Ellis Flamingo for $9/yard)
-felt (I used about 30 8.5x11 sheets purchased at Michael's for $.29/piece)
-white beads (purchased at Michael's for about $3)
-scrap paper
-thread and needles
-a serger or sewing machine
-scissor
-6 buttons

Instructions for making the tree skirt:
1. With your fabric, cut a big circle, approximately 54 inch diameter. Since I already had an existing tree skirt (who doesn't already?), I just used that as my template. My daughter was my little helper :)

2. Find the middle point of the circle and cut a straight line from the outside to that point.

3. Cut a hole in the middle of approximately 5 inch in diameter.

4. If you have a serger, serge all of the lines. If you don't, use a sewing machine and hem all of the lines.

5. Add buttons to the opening of the tree skirt. Instead of button holes, I just used scrap fabric and sew 6 loops big enough to accommodate the size of the buttons into the opening of the circle as seen below.

Instructions to assemble the poinsettia:

1. Cut two square pieces of paper (one approximately 2x2 inches and one approximately 3x3 inches). Fold one square into a triangle and continue to fold the triangle into itself 4 times. Use a scissor to cut the triangles into a point as seen below. When you unfold it, it should look like a flower. Repeat with the other piece of square paper. You should have two different size flowers.

2. Using the papers as a template, cut approximately 75 felt flower of each size. Lay the smaller flower on top of the bigger flower with petals alternating each other.

3. Assemble the felt onto the tree skirt using thread and needles, with 3 white beads in the middle, as shown below. Repeat all the way around. This part is quite time consuming and it takes about 2 hours to finish everything. You'll find your groove once you get going, just make sure a good show is on TV.

Voila, you have a new tree skirt. My apologies if I didn't explain clearly how to sew or use the appropriate terminology. I'm new to sewing and just follow my instinct. I try to make up for the lack of clarity in sewing with lots of pictures to clearly show the progress. Hope you like it.

Scavenger hunt sunday

2010-11-29T10:36:00.000-08:00

I'm quite excited about this week's scavenger sunday because it is a Thanksgiving edition. When it comes to the holidays, there is usually quite a few photographs to choose from because camera in hand is just a natural thing. With that said, here we go...

1. Black and white - I really wanted to have some fun with this one by not just turning a picture into black and white. I wanted to use this opportunity to use something that is really representative of black and white, and hence this photo below of my (step)father-in-law and my daughter. You see, my in-laws live about 2,800 miles away from us, and they have not met my daughter yet. My mother-in-law and her boyfriend visited for the first time during Thanksgiving to meet their grandchild and it was love at first sight. It is quite a sight to see them with little Lia. So, while my stepfather-in-law was helping us feed Lia, I snapped a picture that I thought would be perfect for this series. He is black and she is white, perfect! And I do really adore this little photo of them two, though no faces can be seen.

2. I ate this - Pistachio. For some reason, pistachios really reminds me of Christmas, maybe simply because I grew up eating it around Christmas time. Is it only me? Anyways, while my in-laws are in town, we drove over one hour away to this little town to get some dried fruits and nuts. Hands down, it is the best home-made place I've been to. This is the official kick-start to Christmas.

3. Historic - We also went to Carmel by the Sea and Monterey, CA to do some sight-seeing the day before Thanksgiving. What is more historic than the Cannery Row in Monterey, CA.

4. Off-center - I love maple trees for its 5 point leaves and rich fall color. I snapped this picture during one of our outing and just love the rich color against the clear blue sky. Who would have guessed that only 30 minutes earlier, it was pouring out...weather in CA is so unpredictable.

5. The end - After a wonderful day of sightseeing through 17-mile drive, we ended up at a beach and I was able to snap a beautiful sunset to mark the end of a beautiful day.

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

The dishes had been put away, in the dark corner of the house where they will not be seen again until Christmas Day. The pies have been eaten. Our special guests have left the building. The house has been restored to ordered once again, and the only trace of Thanksgiving is another mark of another year in our hearts, and the very first mark for our dear Lia. It was her very first Thanksgiving, and it was a good one, because she is loved.

She had both of her sets of grandparents present with her (minus her paternal grandfather), one set traveled no more than half a mile and the other over 2800 miles. Either way, they were here, because it was her first Thanksgiving and they wanted to make it special for her. For that I am grateful and she is loved.

And although our table were set with mismatched platewares and chairs, the spirit of Thanksgiving was present as all 14 people squeezed into their designated chair, held hand, said grace, and dug into our bountiful plates. I'm especially thankful this year because my only responsibility was creamy sweet corn because and the rest was prepared by my mother-in-law who can cook, who had taught my husband to cook. So, I sat back, relax, passed my sleepy baby from arms to arms as she is being adored by many.

We dined, we laughed, we watched football and we drank coffee and we gave thanks...for the emotional stuff and the physical stuff. Our of the basic needs were met, food, water (or wine), and the ability to feel loved. That's what I want for my girl, for her to feel unconditional love every single day of her life.

And although we have to say goodbye to our guests at 4:30 in the morning so they can catch an early flight, I'm thankful that my girl does not possess the ability to feel a whole lot beyond pain and hunger and other basic instinct, because if she has, she would miss them tremendously. As a side note, I sometimes catch my little Lia's Pop Pop whispered to her how much he will miss her come the day they part, and my heart break just a little for the distance in between her and her other grandparents. Last but not least, I am thankful for the mean for them to be here to celebrate this wonderful season with her.

This year, we started a new tradition. Sharpies are set on the tablecloth and each guest write down what they are thankful for. We will add on year after year as guests come and go. We will remember the thankful spirit of the past and be reminded of what we are thankful for in the present. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving this year.

give thanks

2010-11-24T23:51:00.000-08:00

We have just arrived home from a little trip to Monterey with my in-laws, sans baby, since it was so cold (record chill for this time of the year in CA). As I sit here on the night before Thanksgiving, the house filled with the scent of onions and other herbs and spices as we prep for the finale that is the Thanksgiving feast, I am willing to bet that every single person in the US had, at one point or another today, given one or two thoughts to Thanksgiving and what they are thankful for. I am no different.

As part of the brain dump, this year, I am thankful for...
-my mother to watch my baby at a moment's notice and I never ever need to give her a crash course on what she would need. She already knows. She's wonderful with Lia and I feel safe leaving Lia with her.
-my parents-in-law (one set) who goes out of her way to join us for Thanksgiving and meeting their first grandbaby for the first time. It's magical seeing them with her.
-the time off to spend with my family.
-not having to cook because my mother-in-law is a great cook!
-getting a couple nights of good rest because the grandparents get the baby.
-a wonderful husband who would open our home to anyone who need a place to go to for Thanksgiving.
-last but not least, our little baby girl who joined the world and will grace our table with her presence. She was only a little embryo in utero only this time last year.

I am all for being thankful for the good things in life on the day when the nation unite in one big feast, I don't really think that I have yet to experience the true spirit of Thanksgiving, yet...

It always come though, when I least expect it. Right now, I'm still concerned with the fact that I don't have enough matching platewares to serve the 12 people expected to come tomorrow, or the fact that I simply didn't have enough decorations up that will hit people in the face as they come through the door. I was too busy enjoying my time with my in-laws during the week while they're still here. I was too busy enjoying my daughter to get to the half-assed DIY projects I had intended to grace the dining table on the big day. As the hours wind down, I realize that I am just going to have to give up on those projects and make a silent vow to start earlier next year.

Nope, the spirit of Thanksgiving had not arrived yet, at least for me. Of course I am thankful, but then again, I am thankful every single day for the little things. Today is nothing special yet, today is not yet Thanksgiving.

Tomorrow is different though. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Tomorrow we will feast. Tomorrow, I will be busy. I will be expecting guests. We will adorn Lia in pretty little dress. She will play with her cousins who will dress in their best. We will sit down, and we will say grace, and we will start new traditions, because this year, we have a little one. And although she doesn't understand it yet, it is still important to start traditions, so that she can carry these memories with her when she grows up, when she is away from home, when she needs these memories to carry her through her lonely Thanksgiving eves. Because as much as all of us hate it, we all have one lonely Thanksgiving Eve when the only thing that help us carry though are the childhood memories of Thanksgiving past.

And as part of that past, I want to teach her to appreciate it, appreciate all of it. I want to teach her to understand the spirit of Thanksgiving, to really understand it, and know without a doubt that Thanksgiving is more than a big feast with a big turkey in the middle. It is more about retail sales. Now that I have a baby girl, I want her to experience what I always experience on that night, when I least expect it. When I'm in a middle of a conversation, and the air is filled with laughter around me, and I am all of the sudden filled with thanks, in my heart and in my soul. I want to whisper to her, "this is it baby, this is Thanksgiving, take it all in."

I am signing out, I'm calling it a night, because when I wake up tomorrow, the grandparents will place back in my arm my precious baby girl and we will begin the hustle and bustle. I wish you all a beautiful thankful day tomorrow. I hope that this Thanksgiving is not the year of that lonely Thanksgiving. If it is, I hope this is the only one you will ever have to experience in your life.

one year ago

2010-11-22T23:56:00.000-08:00

Today one year ago, I found out I was pregnant with our little baby girl. I took a pregnancy test in the morning before work simply because I thought I could be pregnant though I had doubted it since we weren't really trying. The two lines came on the tiny little window and our lives had changed forever. I told her father that same night.

Fast forward one year and our little girl has graced us with her presence and we can't even imagine our lives without her. As I type this, she is peacefully asleep right next to me and I feel so incredibly blessed for her, for this past year, and the joy that came with every single day of it.

Scavenger hunt sunday

2010-11-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

It's another scavenger hunt Sunday.

1. The view above - The moon was out in the middle of the day while I was out watering the plants.

2. Something hot - Bacon I fried on a Sunday morning for breakfast before football. I love bacon. Doesn't everybody?

3. Something cold - When the mountain turns blue...your beer is ready.

4. Electronic - Couldn't find anything exciting with electronic, except that this bad boy had been giving me trouble all week, so it's only appropriate to take a picture of it for this purpose.

5. Sparkle - The light hits the water at the right angle creating this beautiful twin rainbows while I was out watering the grass (see #1). Love it!

my hot air balloon has been mentioned!

2010-11-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

This tutorial not only been featured on Spearmint Baby, but also in the following sites. Thanks all!
{Babble}
{Ocehou}
{Kickcan & Conkers}
{Kenziepoo}
{Whimsical Parasol}

tour of the nursery

2010-11-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

Since Lia turned 3 months, we have started sleep training, including cutting her cold turkey from the bassinet into our room and into the crib. She hates it. One way to remedy the situation is that we sleep in her room with her (every other night for each person so that the other person can sleep well every other day).

Since we are currently also inhabitants of her room, I've been obsessed with arranging things around to make it more functional and aesthetically pleasing for her, even though she probably doesn't understand anything yet. At least it makes me feel happy while I'm in there.

So with that said, here is a tour of the nursery, in its current state, functioning for its occupants.

I just adore the little details in the room. They are things either I love to look at or they have a bit of history to them.

I made this little bulletin board and it is one of the details in the room that I really adore. It was as simple as taking some twine, wrapping it around a door a few times haphazardly until you get the effect you want, and tie at the door handle. Use butterfly clips to hang cards, birth announcement, pictures, or just plain feel-good messages like the one below.

I also made these hot air balloons out of scrapbook papers and hang them haphazardly above the crib using clear push pins. It's funny how the easiest projects are the ones you adore the most in the end.

featured on Spearmint Baby!

2010-11-17T08:54:00.001-08:00

Words cannot describe how excited I am to see that my hot air balloon mobile was featured on Spearmint Baby today, a blog that I read daily for baby goodness and inspirations. Thanks so much!

Scavenger hunt sunday

2010-11-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

I've became more and more attached to my camera and begun to take pictures of everything. So, I'm participating in scavenger hunt sunday for the first time this week, without realizing that I would. So, I'm just pulling some pictures I have randomly taken this week for participation. Enjoy!

1. Self portrait - so this one isn't really a self portrait per se. But, being that my latest and greatest identity is to be a mama to a beautiful 3 month old, I love that the home decor in my house reflect my latest role. Not sure what you call these little guys (or girls), but I found the big one at ZGallerie on sale a couple of months ago and couldn't snap it up fast enough. A week later, I found a little replica and snag that for a mere few dollars as well. They are both sitting proudly in our living room and I still love them.

2. Handmade - Over the weekend, I did some rearranging of the nursery since we are starting to sleep train Lia to sleep in her crib. Along with the move came some update to the decor. I handmade these 3D hot air balloons to hang above her crib. She just loves it and enjoy looking at them tremendously, so much so that she won't go to sleep.

3. Orange - So I could not find anything that was particularly orange in all the photos I shot this week, other than the orange lining of this leave that was once green. Now, it is nothing but a fallen soldier to the changing season.

4. Candle - Since my daughter was born, we have started a tradition to take her monthly picture alongside cupcakes from our favorite local bakery. Granted, the cupcakes were more for us.

5. Traffic sign - I didn't have an opportunity to take any picture of traffic sign, so this one, I had to cheat a little bit and borrow a photo I had taken a couple of weeks ago when we made the trip to San Francisco. Although this is not your typical traffic sign, it is a sign nevertheless in the middle of traffic at the fisherman's wharf, so I thought it would do.

Tutorial: hot air balloon mobile

2010-11-12T12:47:00.001-08:00

My recent exploration of baby blogs showed that hot air balloon has made quite a few appearance in nurseries. I liked the looks, so I ventured to make my own. Here's the process and it is very simple.

1. Using a scrap piece of paper, fold in half and cut out a pattern of hot air balloon. I free-handed mine. Just remember to cut a little square at the bottom so that your balloon has a little basket. You can't go wrong with this process. Continue cutting until you get the desired shape and size. This will serve as a template to make your mobile.

2. Using scrapbooking paper, choose the desired color for your overall color scheme. Since I had a packet of 12x12 scrapbook paper in fairly heavy weight, I just went through the colors and choose 6 colors that are visibly different from one another. Again, you can't go wrong here. You can choose two colors and repeat the color pattern or choose 6 different colors or any combination thereof.

3. Use your template in #1, cut out 6 balloons in your desired color as chosen in #2. I find it easiest to fold the template and colored papers in half and cut. It yield the best symmetry that way.

4. Once you have 6 balloons, it's time to assemble them. My preferred adhesive is double-sided tape and my go to brand has always been Pioneer photo memory mounting taper that I get from Michael's at about $3 a roll. I have used these to assemble my wedding invitations a few years back and they hold so well. I have also tried other brands and I feel like they just don't hold well when it came to heavy cardstock, especially metallic ones. I'm sure any other adhesive will work though. I simply cut strips of tape and tape it at the spine of each balloon. This is why it comes in handy to fold your paper in half when you cut out the shape in #3. I assemble them using 3 balloons at a time to get a half 3D balloon.

5. Using a piece of twine, attach the ends to the adhesive before taping the 2 halves together. You don't have to do this process if you intend to use other ways to hanging the balloons, such as a mobile clip. Since I planned to just hang them haphazardly from the ceiling, twine is a great way alternative.

6. Assemble the two halves together once the twine is taped.

7. I knot the twine at the top of the balloon to give it a finished look and voila, you got yourself a 3D paper hot air balloon. Repeat this process to get the number of balloons for the desired look. I went with 10.

Watch your balloons take flight.

just a dollop

2010-11-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

I can often be heard saying lately how my life had changed so dramatically in the past few months. Though I was warned about how life with a baby would be, I never in a million year could ever imagined how rewarding and challenging it is. With my maternity leave ending fast approaching, I am constantly aware of the precious time that I have with my daughter. In the spirit of the upcoming holiday, I sit here feeling blessedly thankful for this healthy beautiful being in my life. And no matter how many times she wakes me up at night because the unfamiliar pink room completed with a crib for all her own and wanting back to be back to the familiar bassinet that nestled lonely in the corner of mommy and daddy's green room, I willingly get up to put the binky in her mouth to sooth her back to sleep. And on those occasions when the binky just won't cut it, and she wants to stay up and coo, I willingly get up out of my sleepy haze to coo back at her. After all these moments are so precious, I don't want to miss them. These days, our girl is trying to do so much. Her most recent endeavor is trying to use her stomach muscles to sit up even though she is nowhere near ready, but that doesn't ever stop her from trying. She loves to grab onto our fingers while lying down and pull herself up into a sitting position. I absolutely love her facial expression during one of these bouts.

And although the everyday happenstance is usually so inspiring, having a baby and a camera in my hands had changed my perspective completely. I see the world in a little more detail. I am so inspired by the little things, the little moments.

Today, I opened up a package of Daisy sour cream and was surprisingly greeted by a little greeting that absolutely made my day.

So while the everyday is often uninspiring, what lead to it is often the inspiring part. Prior to our little babe, Joe and I often can be found eating dinner in front of the TV with fries in one hand a nugget in the other. But with a baby in tow, we want to be a little more responsible with our consumption if we are ever going to teach healthy habits. So, we attempt to make dinner. Tonight, we ventured into an all American dinner of steak and potatoes. Unfortunately, only the potato survived our wrath, and that's barely, thanks to lots and lots of dollops of daisy...and bacon. Bacon makes everything better.

And because potatoes are just not enough to count as dinner, we consumed more carbs.

We capped it off with some ice cream. And maybe, just maybe, one of us might have sneaked one or two of the holiday chocolates that we recently poured out.

And speaking of holiday, we expect some very special people this Thanksgiving. So, we have begun to break out the fall decorations, currently existing in harmony with our year round home decors. There is still a lot to be done to get the house ready, but the presence of some faux turkeys purchased from the Michael's sale rack and favorite holiday candies really bring about the spirit of the holidays, especially when the weather is cooperating in good o' sunny California.

sunday funday

2010-11-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

Sunday did not rhyme with fun day for no reason. It's so true. This weekend we, got our first real rain of the season, and it came just in time to revive our new but already dying front yard.

About a month ago, we got a bout of heat just as fall was beginning, and being that both Joe and I were still at home (me on maternity leave, Joe on unemployment), we decided to give our little front yard a little boost, because it was looking very very sad.

So I went out there, and I broke my back, and several fingernails to top it off, to dig up the hard dirt that was home to a few wandering calla lilies. We replaced the broken water pipes, poured water, replaced the old 80's retaining stones with new grey stones that goes much better with our home.

After 3 hours of backbreaking labor, we got exactly the result we wanted. And because I have a fear of flowers, but love the look, I added some colors in bougainvillea, replanted the existing calla lilies and added some ranunculus bulbs that will soon sprout into beautiful soft rose-like flowers. I can't wait until they are all in full bloom.

But getting back to the topic at hand, our efforts on that hot fall day is dying, and we so needed this rain to come to revive it. We also needed the rain as a good excuse to stay in door because the catch 22 of being on maternity leave is that you feel obligated to yourself to do something with that time that you end up doing too much and not enjoying that time off. So today, I spent a large majority of the day studying while Lia sleeps. I am in knee deep in CPA exams to try to be a CPA for my day job. Nothing sucks more than having to break open the book while there is so many other important and fun things to do such as playing with a cute little babe. But because she still sleeps through two to three hour stretches, I got a lot of studying time in so my desk in the corner of the living room is being used thoroughly this weekend for more than paying bills.

And while she's awake, I did not waste the time with merger or pensions or marketable securities, I passed my time with cute little footsies adorned with non-slip letters, just in case a 3 month old decides to stand up and walk, they will not slip. Is there anything cuter than these?

Yes there are. Baby faces, especially when they are crowned by home made beanie adorned with a big Carrie Bradshaw bow, and fingertips, and hand holding. There are at least a few more things I can think of that are cuter than non-slip socks, but they are up there among the land of cute.

We finished our Sunday of football, lounging around in the pajamas we started with (not that we don't shower - we showered and put on a new pair of PJs), and some McDonald's. We are not typically a family of fast food consumers, but there is something to be said with indulging yourself with a Big Mac once in a while, or in my case, a large Oreo McFlurry along side my husband's Reese's McFlurry. And while he finishes his McRibs, I finished up a Vietnamese sandwich that really hits the spot on this chilly rainy day. That's the beauty about being in an inter-racial family, you can have an oriental sandwich alongside your McDonald's any day, and it is all good. This is the epitome of a good weekend, ending and giving way to a promising week ahead. I'm sure I would have wrote differently if I had to wake up early for work. But tomorrow, I will be waking up to baby cries and giggles, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Maternity leave, please don't go by so fast and let me continue on this bliss with my baby for just a little longer.

Lia: 3 month photoshoot

2010-11-05T00:13:00.001-07:00

Right before I got pregnant last year, I begged my husband if we could invest in a dSLR since I wanted to dip my hands in photography. He agreed on the condition that it was to be my Christmas present, birthday present, and our anniversary present, all events that were coming up. I happily agreed and a Canon 7D arrived at our door step right around this time last year. One year later, I still think it is the best $2k I spent in a long time because it allows me to capture some of the best pictures of my precious baby daughter. How wonderful it is to have these memories of her during her infant moments.

We did a photoshoot for her 3 months birthday at a local park today and I love the results.

Because I did not have on a smudge of make up and was adorned in my trustee sweats and beat up Beetles t-shirt, I was definitely not camera ready. So, I sat out of this shoot and snap a picture of Lia with her daddy. Such beautiful looking people.

Lia: month 3

2010-11-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Lia,

As the months passed, you are undoubtedly becoming this little person with personality and sense and sensibilities. As your personality grows, so does your physical strength. You have began to hold your neck up on your own, and I love holding you upright and began to dance with you around the house. We are working on getting that neck stronger and stronger by having you do a lot more tummy time and sitting in the bumbo, both of which you love so long as you are facing the TV. You love watching TV, especially when sports is on with its bright and pretty colors. Your father is so proud that you show interest in sports.

As your mother, I'm torn between the dichotomy of wanting you to grow and thrive and needing time to stop so that I can cherish these precious moments I have with you while you are so little. As of the end of your third month, you are 16 pounds even, 24.5 inches long with head circumference of 16 inches.

I absolutely love the moments we wake up together because let's be honest, as soon as you are awaken, you do not let mama continue to sleep. I don't mind though because just as soon as I'm greeted by your very loud wails, it ends just as fast as I put a bottle in your mouth. Once you are done with the bottle and changed, we remained in bed and just hang out with each other. You are such a happy baby, always giving mama your gummy grins while your arms and legs punch and kick the air around you. I absolutely love these moments and it will probably be my favorites until you decide to reward us with some other new found activities you find amusing as you grow.

Since you got your first set of shots already as soon as you turned 2 months old, we are much more comfortable with taking you out more, although we weren't too hesitant while you were younger either due to the great weather we had this summer. One of the biggest trips and memories we made with you is going to the pumpkin patch where we took a lot of pictures, choosing pumpkins and carving those pumpkins in anticipation of Halloween. This year, we dressed you up as Tinkerbell and we had such a blast taking you trick or treating at the mall. I just want to enjoy these days I have fully with you, work free with beautiful weather, and especially while your father is home and we can do it as a family unit. I love our family unit. We are so in love, and we love you so very much.

One thing that had became evident lately is that as I became an adult, I wished I was a child forever. Now that I have a child, I wish I had a child forever.

You are so loved.

Mama

write it forward

2010-11-03T00:25:00.000-07:00

I have been at it for more than 2 years now, and despite the low number of audience, I pressed on. I spent countless hours, at my desk, on my bed, on the couch, trying to find the right words to describe whatever roller coaster of emotion that happen to plague me at that point in time. Some days I struggle, some times I offend, but all the time, the intention of these script is pure. This is my public diary, and it holds me accountable. After all, the intentioned audience is myself.

So I write, and I write...

...to provide a fingerprint for my daughter to identify me, when we are lost to each other in those teenage years, so that we are not lost to each other forever.

...to provide a relationship with other writers, even if it's secretly. I love purposeful words, words that move people. I love writers. When I identify with another writer, I read her words carefully, over and over again, to find the connection as to how she is moved and why she moved me. I write to provide yet again another link, to show that I am moved, and to move someone else, I hope.

...because I need to teach my daughter, by example, that despite not having been born into this language, that I can still learn, and excel at what I practice. That lesson is universal.

...because I need to remember every detail of the highs of my life, so I can use it as a life line, to ride through the lows.

...sometimes I'm inspired and I need to document the inspiration.

...because I take too many pictures and I don't know what to do with them.

so I write on, even if I am the single audience of my scribe.

Hallow(een) be thy name

2010-11-02T15:41:00.000-07:00

The clothes and other things have begun to pile up on a black dresser in our room. The dryer contained onesies with cracked words that says things like "my aunt is #1" or "my daddy loves me" and 3 months socks stamped on the sole. These things will just have to remain where they are for a little longer because it is Halloween and we were going to get ready for a night filled with magic created from Tinkerbell and laughter from Keith Stone.

We were rushed to adorn our little one with a little white onesie and white stocking underneath her Tinkerbell costume so that the layer of tulle and green sparkles won't bother her too much as she dangle in front of mama with her pink jack o' lantern in front of her awaiting to be filled with Halloween sweets.

So we rushed out the door, the house left in its upheaval, to create memories and magic for our little one that she will not remember in memories but in photography.

We were joined by Tigers among other ghouls and goblins who had one night out of the year to go out and play.

And after we returned home, the upheaval we left earlier that day remained exactly where they were because there was more important things to do, like consuming the remaining candies like they were going to go bad the next day.

And here we are two days after Halloween and still in the fog of a candy high, we are just starting to think about tackling that pile of upheaval that continues to pile up...

britax boulevard

2010-10-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

While I am a much bigger fan of Buy Buy Baby now that there is a store recently opened near us, we still continue to visit Babies 'R Us for wipes and diapers because it typically has the promotion where you get merchandise credit with purchase. Unfortunately, the promotion was not happening during this trip. However, the trip was not for naught because as we step into the store, there was a pile of clearance items that calls out my names, and I can never say no to a good sale.

So, we browsed through it and there was a few items that caught my eyes, including a Baby Trend Expedition for $140 and a Chicco umbrella stroller. While I would have scooped this up in a snap, I had recently purchased a Baby Jogger City Mini and we are still in love with it, so we passed up on it. However, there was one item that I could not passed up and that was the Britax Boulevard in Sutton.
While the design on this item would not have been my first choice, it is neutral enough to live with just in case the next baby is not a girl. This little baby had caught my eyes days ago while I was browsing the internet and baby blogs and I saw good reviews on it. What's more impressive are the review on Amazon on this thing, considered to be one of the safest options of convertible seats out there. I've always stored this in the back of my mind as something to look at when the time comes to convert her from infant seat.

The sale today sealed the deal for us though, at only $229 with the 20% store coupon bringing it down to $185. Considering that this is typically going for $300, this is definitely a steal. The added bonus was that we still had about $150 in merchandise credit from prior Pampers purchase and remainder from our baby shower, we were able to use it on this purchase and brought the total down to only $40 out of pocket. Awesome!

So, while I didn't get the $5 merchandise credit with purchase of 2 boxes of Pampers wipes, I was able to save $125 on a car seat that my baby girl is surely going to grow into in no time here. I do love me a good sale.

fun of fall

2010-10-26T14:22:00.001-07:00

This weekend brought forth the fun that is fall, starting with pumpkin carving. These three little guys came home with us in their flawed yet perfect glory from the pumpkin patch the previous weekend. We didn't want the pumpkins to go bad before Halloween, so we anxiously waited until Friday to carve them.

After about an hour and some fun later, we got what we wanted out of them.

Being that this was my first ever carving, I was extremely happy with the result. Obviously, the top one is mine and the bottom is Joe's. It might not be apparent, but they are skulls. They are now lined up on our front pathway patiently awaiting for little monsters to come knocking on Hallow's Eve. And while we are patiently waiting to show them off, we could not help but go out there to light them up once in a while just to get us in the spirit that is Halloween. Because as much as these things are a commercial products, it is the traditions that makes the memories for both little souls and big souls.

On Saturday and Sunday, we indulged ourselves in sports beginning with a stressful game that ended with the Phillies losing the playoffs to the Giants. And because it was not a good weekend for Philly sports, we watched the Eagles gave up the game to the Titans. But in our household, this is a fall tradition, lose or win. The rumble of sports will always grace our television every weekend in the fall. I have to disclose here that I was not always a sport nuts until I met Joe. Now, I am as much into it as he is, if not more.

And because sports is one of those things that bring people together, we generally have people over for this occasion. While our eyes are glued on the TV during the third down or the second strikes, there is always time for some fun and game with the kiddos during commercial breaks.

(Right after I got pregnant, we decided to start a money jar for our little kiddo in utero. Now that she is 3 months old, we decided to break the bank and put it in the bank. While we were at it, we decided to have a little fun with it.)

So there you have it folks. A weekend in the life of ours during fall. Like I said, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite seasons of the year.

friendly competition

2010-10-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

If any of you follow baseball at all, you know that the conference championship is happening this week. The National League Championship Series is happening right here in San Francisco between the Phillies and the Giants. Joe is a big Phillies fan, and he's an even bigger fan of talking smack to the SF Giants, and he's been working hard to try and get tickets to go to one of the playoff games (at a reasonable price of course). One day, lo and behold, one of my friends (a Giants fan) offered his tickets for a great price, so we went out of our way to change our plans to accommodate. It's crazy because I feel like everything worked out as it should, like it all fell in place. So, Joe went to the game with my best friend's husband, who is a big Giants fan, but we joined them in SF for the day before the game and we had a great time. There is nothing better than a little friendly competition and even greater friends...

The day began at Pier 39, famous for its sea lions.

We then had lunch at Bubba Gump, which was the main intention of this trip (for the ladies) besides the game.

And because it was a Wednesday, the place was not too crowded so we got an ample choice in seating and our 180 degree view includes the Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge.

The walk towards the Fisherman Wharf and Ghirardelli Square yielded some great photo op moments, which we took.

I'm constantly reminded that so many treasures can be found so close to home, including the appreciation for great friends, little kiddos and a little friendly competition in baseball.

falling into autumn

2010-10-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

Fall is quickly becoming my favorite season, especially now that I have a child in my tow and my body is no longer bikini materials. I wouldn't have it any other way and this year, fall could not have arrived at a better time. As far as seasons goes, we are quite limited in that department in California where it is confined to two seasons, hot and cold. That doesn't mean that we don't go out of our way to seek out a bit of colors and activities that typically arrive with the arrival of fall. Mother nature happily obliged by turning our constant 90+ degree weather into gray skies with just a bit of chill and sprinkle as we gathered up the cars and carseats, pull on our knee high boots over skinny jeans, and round ourselves up and drove to our designated meeting spot so we can caravan south to find a bit of fall. Boy, the efforts were not wasted!

Fall was everywhere and it was beautiful!

It's only enhanced by baby faces and the wonderful companies we keep we call friends.

So as we entered the patch with our children in tow, we suddenly became children ourselves, reminiscing about the past and remembering the good times that we all had individually in different parts of the world, yet here we are together, doing what we had always loved.

So, we set out to find that perfect pumpkin that we can barely lift onto the wagon, and despite the imperfections and blemishes, we knew that it was the guy that is coming home with us, to be carved, and to light the pathway for the little children who will soon visit us, as they excitedly run up to our doorbell, yell trick o' treat, reaches out with their plastic jack o' lanterns in anticipation of the kind of candies they will get in exchange for having spent the last few hours making their costumes perfect for the night out.

Though we went there to pick pumpkins to jumpstart that fall tradition of pumpkin carving, we were also there to make memories. Although our little ones will never remember this day, their first visit to the pumpkin patch, the trip was as much for them as for the parents that carry them, because it is important to start this family tradition. After all, without these trips, how would we make lasting memories for our children to reminisce years from now, just as we did, as they walk past the entrance sign to the pumpkin patch with their own kiddies in tow.

So, I hope that with the arrival of fall, everyone take a bit of time to make some lasting memories that will help carry you through the chilly days ahead. Here is to coffee with friends, hot cider, chestnut roasting, jingle bells and giving thanks.

classy brassy

2010-10-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was browsing Craiglist and saw a very ugly 12 arm chandelier listed for $75. With some resistance from my husband, he reluctantly called the listed number and a 10 mile trip and $60 later, that bad boy came home with me. Joe got right to work, and it looked a little something like this.

I saw a lot of potential in it, with a little white spraypaint, of course.

So, he disassembled it, arm by arm, wire by wire, and spraypainted the heck out of it.

2 cans and 2 days later, it was ready to hang in our living room. Since our living room did not have a light connection, and we're not prepared to have it put in yet, we decided to do something with a swag and a plug in, which is what this is. The unfortunate part is that it is way too bright for our little 10x30 living space, with the 12 arms. So, though very very beautiful, it has to go out back, which needed a light anyways. For about $75, we were able to find a beautiful light fixture, with a little elbow grease of course.

Lia: month 2

2010-10-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Lia,

Life with you continues to surprise us in such a wonderful way. Unlike the first month when the excitement ends with your umbilical cord falling off or when you we get 4 hours of straight sleep, this month was an indication of so much possibilities. It is amazing what a month can do, how things change in just a short period of time.

If I was to be completely honest, I have just began to really connect with you this month. The moments when you grasp my finger tightly with your whole hand during a feeding or the times when you reward me with your toothless grins while we hang out together tug at my heart string. While I have fallen completely in love with you the moment you were born, and even before that, our relationship had been solidified and I just simply cannot imagine my life without you in it.

This month, you began to do much more than just eat, sleep and poop. You stayed awake more and demanded more attention, so much so that it breaks the trance that sometimes exist between the computers and your father and I. As reluctant as we are to put the computers down sometimes, your smiles always make us forget everything else but the moments at hand.

You are so cute when you fall asleep. This is one my favorite things to watch you do. Sometimes, when you are really really sleepy, your eyes close and open rapidly. As you fall into your slumber, I notice you sometimes open your eyes suddenly like you remember something and realized that you were checking to see that mommy is still there with you. When we make eye contact and you're assured that I was still there, you fall peacefully back to sleep. I hope you always feel safe in my arms, in our house and in this life. I'm doing my best to keep you safe, but I'm not sure how I can do this all the time of your life, though I really really want to. The only thing I can promise you is that I will always provide you a safe place in my arms, no matter how old you get, should you choose to use it.

We also began to do tummy times with you this month. You don't really like it yet as every time we turn you to your stomach, you just lie there and act like you're too lazy to do the work. After about 10 minutes in that position, you cry until we turn you over, then you're a happy baby again. What I love is that you have became so alert this month, watching toys and other things that are waved in front of you. And as Mommy and Daddy coo at you during our playtime, you always rewarded us with your gummy smiles since you have learn how to. Sometimes, I notice you really want to laugh, but no sound came out yet. I'm sure soon enough, you will find that, too.

You are a really happy baby who eats well and sleeps well. After all, you checked in at 12 pounds 13 ounces, at your 2 months check up at the doctor. You also grew to a whooping 23 inches and your head circumference is 15.75 inches. So far, you are thriving at 75 percentile at height and head circumference and 90 percentile for weight. Whatever we are doing with you seem to be working just fine, and we're assured that we are not ruining you for life. We sometimes complain about your sleeping habits at night, but we really do have it really good with you. Every night when it is time to put you to sleep, it becomes a little bittersweet where another day ends and you get another day older. I love watching you grow and thrive, but I also cherish the moments when we hang out and do nothing at all.

You are so loved.

Mama

better use of the home - spaces I don't miss

2010-10-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

I think my generation of the American dream has differed significantly from that of our parents' generation of white picket fence in the middle of the street. These days, it's about go big or go home. And as the world gets smaller, so are our homes, at least in the case of the bay area.

Our home is a modest one with an even smaller yard to go with it. But as we understand our lifestyles better and therefore the use of the home became more apparent, our only frustration is the lack of a yard. It's really is a miracle that our only complaint is a lack of the yard considering we only have 1,275 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2 1/2 bath. This is only possible due to the fact that we assess our lifestyles and use the available space we have to its full potential, and do without a lot of the space present in traditional homes that are there to just be there, serving very little purpose. Here they are:

Formal living room: The word formal suggest that you utilize the space for formal occasions, which is probably not very frequent at all. Especially in this day and age, we are moving towards using our home as a place for casual get-togethers, to hang out, put our feet up and make ourselves at home. This very essence implies that the formality of a living space is consider obsolete and as such, new builts no longer incorporate these in its floor plan for good reasons. Doing away with this space also help save quite a bit of money on decor and decoration since formal space require formal decor, which can cost quite a bit of money, money that I'd rather splurge on items that I can use everyday.
Formal dining room: the concept of a formal living room can also be said about formal dining rooms, especially with the growing movement of the open plan concept. Is this still a growing movement or is it the norm now? Either way, it is popular these days for the new generation for good apparent reasons.
Guest bedroom: Everyone will agree that even homes with frequent guests do not entertain guest 365 days a year. If you do, you might consider charging rent because they are no longer your guests but are your roommates. So, while I'd loved to give my guest their own 10x10 space to stay in while they are in my home, what do I do with the dedicated room the rest of the 360 days they are not there? After all, your home is not a hotel, and you shouldn't have to provide an equivalent. Your guests are there for your company, not for your space. However, what I can do is create a comfortable shared space for them to enjoy without dealing with the guilt of allowing the dust bunnies to reside in my room while it is waiting for guest in a more human nature.
Library/study: With the growing trend of the iPads and Kindle, books are becoming quite obsolete. While I don't argue that the the aesthetic and old smell of a good leather bound cannot be replaced with technology, how many of us really have beautiful vintage leather bounds asking to be front and center in its own dedicated library study space.
Office: This one is a tricky one depending on what job you take. For the few of you who are fortunate enough to call your home your workspace, by all means, go all out and make a beautiful office for yourself to go to everyday so that it inspire you to earn your livelihood. But for the rest of us who still have to brave the commute to only face the 3x3 grey cubicle with our 8 hours existence, you don't need a dedicated office in your home. Instead, create a little niche for yourself to perform the necessary function such as paying the bill, browse the internet, blog as a hobby, etc. After all, you will only be using it for no more than a few hours of the day. Here's a thought, share that space with that guest space discussed earlier.

There you have it, spaces that we don't have in our house and we are definitely not missing it. The point is to make your home work for you, not the other way around. However, that doesn't mean that there are some space that I don't wish I have bigger and better, but has to make due/settle for the existing space. Still, it is doable...

seeing grey

2010-10-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

[via apartment therapy]

I have been both fascinated and intrigue with the color grey used in a house. I gotta say that this is the one color that I have not dared to use in my house yet, but have continued to love it all this time without waver. Maybe it's time to take the plunge.

kitchen lighting

2010-09-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

So some time in February we spent the time and money to redo our kitchen, tearing down the old and added the new. We love the outcome.

But, there was something old that still remained creating this ugly blemish in the new beautyscape, the light. We still have the ugly fluorescent lights with its ugly cast of a light source to go with it that make anyone under its glow ugly along with it.

So, we're going to replace it. The dilemma is that I don't know what to replace it with and what would be the best fit for the space for our lifestyle. Here are some facts:

Our kitchen does not have task lighting such as pot lights.
The new light will have to have enough light cast to perform basic functions in a kitchen (i.e. cutting, cooking, etc). It's very important to be able to see (go figures) when we do these potentially harmful tasks.
We want something that is not too modern or too period oriented.
Prefer brushed nickel or steel.

Here are all of our contenders:

Deluxe collection 18" wide ceiling light - $270

Downtown collection 17" wide ceiling light - $210

Murray Feiss casual luxury 13" wide semi-flush ceiling light - $160

It just so happens the one I like best is the most expensive. But it does fit our criteria including taking 3 60 watt bulbs, which hopefully will disburse enough lights. However, I'm just so unsure whether that is still enough light to replace the existing fluorescent, or do we still have to add in additional pot lights.

I'll be doing some additional research and ask around a bit before I commit to such a big purchase.

new ottoman

2010-09-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Remember when I wrote about the new ottoman that I just ordered?

Well, it's finally arrived and I could not have been more pleased with the product. Here's the pic first.

It is gorgeous! The dimension is perfect for our space at 31" square. It lays a bit lower than I expected, but perfect for putting your feet up. It's sturdy. The pattern is exactly what I wanted, bold and feminine offset by a masculine color scheme. I love pairing it with a bold fuchsia tray that we got from ZGallery on sale for only $15. We gave it a test drive by having some people over for Sunday football over the weekend and it withstand the constant use. Couldn't be happier, especially for the price.

out and about

2010-09-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

One of the joys of being on maternity leave, other than the gift of time to spend with our new daughter, is that the day's possibility is endless. While there is always a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that these days will one day end, and it's fast approaching, in the short term, when we first wake up in the morning, we are not constraint by the same mundane routines of work, eat, sleep and start over. It almost feels like every day is a weekend day, and we can do whatever we want.

Over the weekend, we woke up, got ready and was determined to just do something. Coincidentally, one of my friends facebooked me to let me know that on her way to work, she encountered a highway sign indicating that Morgan Hill is having its annual Taste of Morgan Hill. We googled it and an hour and a face full of make up later, we were heading south towards Morgan Hill with our baby in tow. It was the last heated weekend of the summer (I'm assuming). We were determined to do something to just take advantage of the heat before the chill frost of autumn starts.

We were quite disappointed by the lack of "taste" of Morgan Hill since there was very limited food stands for tasting. However, I quickly realized that it was less about taste in a pallete sense but more about the ambience sense. One of the best features was the vintage and custom car show, which I believe does best represent Morgan Hill.

Anyone that knows the bay area knows that we are quite confined here in term of space, not as confined as compared to New York, but relatively limited. Morgan Hill is a nearby town where space is still abundant and a lot of people that love to build cars do reside there for the luxury of storage, at least in my humble experience...

So, I give you some of the beautiful cars that were present...

We even went so far as to take some pictures with our favorite beloved vintage

(see my silhouette?)

Mine is a Camaro

Joe doesn't discriminate. Any vintage is a favorite.

Love a beautiful day filled with family and lots of vintage...

for the love of schoolhouse

2010-09-27T16:57:00.001-07:00

I've been obsessed with all things school house lately. I've been searching high and low for just the right schoolhouse desk/chair combo for Amelia for when she's ready to do some school work. I know that is a long time from now, but you can never start too early. That just means I have a lot of time to search for just the right ones for her. I see a lot of school work alongside her mommy while she works...

Another thing schoolhouse I have grown to really love are schoolhouse light. I think they will fit just perfectly in our hallways. I love those found at Restoration Hardware and Rejuvenation. They can be quite expensive, especially when you typically have at least 3 lights in an average hallway. That was why I was so excited when I scouted a new Rejuvenation flushmount in the perfect finish and style on Craigslist for just $30. So, I persuaded Joe to drive about 20 miles out to pick it up with me. 30 minutes and $30 dollars later, this bad boy came home with me and made himself quite at home in our home, at our entry way to be exact. I just love the personality it adds to the space.

Here is the before:

Here is the during:

(Thanks to hubby for always braving the electrical work because God knows I don't touch that stuff for fear of killing myself with an electrical shock)

Here is the after:

Here is a close up:

The beautiful thing is that they are still available online for me to purchase (on sale currently) two more to complete our stairway. I absolutely love it. I think this might be one of those things that I will be taking with me to the next house if we ever move. Haha.

Great news(paper)

2010-09-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, I went to my boss' house for a work party and saw some framed newspaper in their hallway during the house tour and got curious. At the close up, it was some newspaper of the dates when their 3 sons were born. I immediately loved the idea and mentally stored it away for when I have my own children.

Fast forward 3 years and I delivered my daughter. One of the things that I wanted my "helpers" to do was grab some newspapers on the day she was born, and that's what my sister did. A couple of days ago, we were finally able to get it framed. Because we only have one child so far, and I wanted to display it at our entry way, which looked better with a set of 3 frames. I opted to frame 2 different newspaper on her birthday until we have another child. Since I already have a "gallery" of Ikea art/frame there, all we had to do was switch out the art with the newspaper and voila, done.

The third piece of newspaper we hung up along with Lia's birth day paper is one from 9/12/2001 that I saved. The headline was none other than that plagued the whole nation that day, 9/11 terrorist act. I'm so glad I saved this because I still remembered how I felt that day. You know what they say, learn from history so you don't repeat it. This is a great reminder for us, and for our children who weren't present on that day but will still be affected.

I do love the coincidence that both of the San Jose Mercury News front pages talk about the war, though there is about 9 years difference.

updating the expedit

2010-09-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

I recently updated the expedit shelf in the living room for more function. I swear this piece is constantly evolving as our needs change. Besides, it is extremely expensive to purchase baskets and such for the open shelves so we have to wait until these things are on sale to buy them in bulk. Those weave baskets I purchased on sale for $8.99 when we first bought the shelf. Then, over the weekend, I purchased the tin baskets from Target for only $4.99, sale from $9.99. I scooped up 5 of these plus 5 more, which I don't know what to do with yet. I am a believer that you can never have too many baskets though. So now, we have so many shelves with ample storage room that are currently empty, that is a great feeling to know that we could grow into it.

inspiration: coffee table turned ottoman

2010-09-17T21:21:00.001-07:00

I found this little project via Remodelaholic that I just had to file into my file of inspiration.

You see, I have this exact same table that I'm currently using as my coffee table in the living room. But, since I just ordered an ottoman to replace it, this table will need to find a new home in our house. What better way than to repurpose it and use it elsewhere? This would be one of those perfect projects for it. After all, one can never have too many ottomans.

new ottoman from overstock

2010-09-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

overstock - $130

Just clicked place order on a new ottoman for the living room. Very excited about the new color and pattern that should add a whole lot of personality to the space. Still amazed that hubby agrees to the purchase because the pattern is admittedly a bit feminine, only constrasted by more musculine colors. I typically relied heavily on the reviews when I make Overstock purchases, but this one did not have any yet, so there was a bit of good faith. Let's see how it turns out when it comes.

pretty flowers

2010-09-15T00:23:00.001-07:00

Though I don't ever touch flowers, they sure are pretty to look at, and I can gawk at them all day long. The flowers are just glorious!

Milkglass

2010-09-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

While I am constantly purging things from our home that I no longer love, doesn't fit, etc from taking up too much precious real estate, we have recently added a few new items, currently sitting proud on our TV bookcase (as you may have notice from the living room space yesterday).

We found these precious milkglass babies at the local Salvation Army as soon as we got in the doors. I made hubby carry them throughout the store and kept on giving him dirty looks when he clank them as he walked. I didn't want anything to happen to them :) It's crazy how you can love something so much when they only cost $5 a piece. Score!

Our living room updated

2010-09-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I showed our living room. With any home, it is often changed to suit the needs of its dweller. I think in particular, I find it extremely challenging to style open shelf bookcases and therefore, our living room undergo a lot of changes to make me happy with the two Crate and Barrel bookcases flanking our TV stand. Here we go.

a shot of pink

2010-09-10T22:04:00.000-07:00

There is something very fresh about a white with a shot of pink palette, especially when it is done in unexpected places such as the backyard, patios or porches. I would love to do something like this...

images via decorpad

Lia's birth story: part 6

2010-09-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

Side effect of the epidural

While we were on the high of Lia's birth, the doctor performed the necessary procedure to stitch me up and make me new again (as new as can be after having a baby too large come up of what I consider a normal size canal...know what I mean?). The whole process probably takes about an hour as Lia was born at around 5:45 and I was saying goodbye to my nurse Lisa at 7 am when her 12 hour shift ended. I remembered commenting to her that I was thankful to have went through the whole process with her by our side, from the point of check in at 7:30pm the night before when her shift started at 7 and being done when her shift ended 12 hours later.

They let us stay in the labor room for another hour and half while we bond with our baby and a few other medical staff and crew came in and out of our room doing whatever it is that they're supposed to do to restore order and erase signs of what had happened just a few hours ago for someone else.

By the time a nurse came in to wheel me out of labor and into the recovery wing, I was exhausted from all the laboring (pun intended) and was ready to get some rest once I'm settled into the new room. As the high of having a new baby start to come down, I started to notice a gigantic headache that was developing as we try to get settled. After being wheeled across the long hospital stretch, the headache was getting worse and worse with every foot past. When we arrived in the recovery room, it was so bad that I asked the nurse to get me a heating pad for my headache, a headache that developed from the back of my neck to my temple.

Nurses helped me get settled and that heating pad she promised took much longer than necessary to arrive. When it did arrive, I was disappointed that it is one of those that required heating, which took much longer to get to the appropriate level of heat. After nurses left, I was thankful to just be able to lie down and rest a bit, at which point, the dying commotion allowed me more time to dwell on the pain in my head and it was excruciating. I lied down, rested a bit, and the headache went away. I was so thankful. I continued to rest and confined in bed the whole day except for the occasional restroom visits to relieve myself and a shower I braved in the afternoon pending the visitors that night.

In between the shower and visitors, we scheduled an impromptu photoshoot for Lia by the hospital photographer. So, I got up, got my baby ready for her photoshoot, all the while dealing with a gigantic headache that had crept up since I got up to shower. I had one shot with my newborn that I literally had to muster all my strength to be able to do because of the pain in my head. I was all too happy to be done with it and crawl back to bed to nurse my head, but was so glad for that shoot because now we have some precious pictures of our baby at only day one.

By the time families and friends came to visit after work, I had a bit of rest and was feeling refreshed. Besides, I remained in bed while the baby is being passed around from person to person for about 3 hours.

When the last visitor left, we had dinner and got ready for bed to prepare for a long night ahead of constant feeding and diaper change. I don't think either Joe or I had more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time. It was brutal and we were exhausted by the morning. The following day was spent making up for the lack of sleep from the night before. Needless to say, I was confined in bed again and it felt good, especially when every time I get up for any reason, feeding the baby, go to the restroom, eat, the headache was back with a vengeance, so much so that I felt like I simply cannot push that button to get the bed back upright for another feeding session. I was dying.

By 3:30 pm, my headache got so unbearable that I had to phone for the nurse and ask for some kind of pain medication beyond the usual percocet they have been giving me for the pain of childbirth. At this point, the pain medication typically used for childbirth is just not cutting it for my headache. I never would have thought that the day after birth, I would be worrying about anything beyond the actual scars of childbirth itself. Yet, here I am nursing a headache that was more unbearable than the tear I incurred from having pushed a baby out of my body. It was ridiculous.

When the nurse came in and saw how much pain I was in, and I relayed the headache I have been experiencing since the morning of the day before, she informed me that the headache was not a result of the pushing that I had self-diagnosed. You see, I simply thought that my headache, that formed from the base of my neck, was simply a result of the constant pushing during labor. I thought I somehow gave myself whiplash from constantly coming up, pull my head to my chest and pushing for so long. But now that I think about it, if I somehow had gotten a sore from repeated use of my neck, the pain from a sore would not have been as unbearable as the pain I was feeling. The moral of the story is, DO NOT ever self-diagnose any symptoms after childbirth and always let the medical staff knows how you are feeling, especially when it comes to pain. Thank God I finally spoken up because here's what happened.

Apparently, during the administration of the epidural, when the anesthesiologist went in too deep with the needle causing me to get too much drug the first time, it causes spinal fluid leakage and result in the massive headache I was feeling. The specific with this headache is that it only hurts when you are upright, causing the leakage to happen. Once you are horizontal, the leakage is significantly lessened and therefore, the headache goes away when you're lying down in bed. Fortunately, there is an easy fix, a blood patch. Basically, the procedure required for an epidural like procedure where a needle is inserted into the spine and blood withdrawn from the body is inserted into the spine and the clot will seal the hole that causes the leakage. Usually, this fixes the problem almost instantaneously, or I can start drinking a lot of caffeine. By this time, I was in so much pain that I would do anything to fix it, even if I have to have another needle inserted back into my spine for the billionth time within 48 hours.

So we went ahead with the procedure. Another anesthesiologist on duty was called in, gave me more details on the procedures, and I was prepped for the procedure. The IV was reinserted in me and the pain of having an epidural was repeated. The only difference this time is that this doctor was able to get the needle in the appropriate place the first time. When the blood was taken out of my arm and pushed into my spine, the "discomfort" they warned me did not do it justice. It was not a discomfort at all, but it felt like a really really bad cramp right around where they put it in my spine. It was downright painful. However, it was done within a minute or so and I was cleaned up and instructed to lay in bed for the next hour. However, the pain should go away within 30 minutes.

I did as I was told, and OMG, the pain did not come back when I got up to use the restroom 45 minutes later. Of everything I have just went through within the last 48 hours of my life, this was a miracle of all miracles. I was myself again, painless and all. When the anesthesiologist came back and check back on me a few hours later, I could not have been more thankful and I made sure to let him know just how grateful I am, joking that my next baby will be named after him. His name is Mark :) My husband was glad to have me back to my old joking self again because for a few hours there, I was in so much pain that I was snappy and he couldn't recognize his wife who was able to joke through childbirth.

So, this is one of those things that went wrong during labor that you could not have ever planned for. I was blessed with a quick and easy labor, but was plaque by a side effect that only plaque 1% of women that choose to have the epidural. I'm not sure if the headache pain masks the pain experienced during the recovery process, but I was also blessed with an easy recovery. For that, I am thankful.

If I had to do it over again, I would still choose to get an epidural because I can't imagine my labor going differently. The brief period of time that I did experience the pain of contractions was not a pleasant one. I could not imagine having to go through that for hours and hours while birthing a baby. I could definitely do with another anesthesiologist who could administer the drug appropriately though, though I am thankful that there is no other long lasting permanent side effect. Despite what happens, I would do it all over again, but I will never forget the two worst pains I had ever experienced in my life: labor pain and the spinal headache. Thank God for the more permanent side effect of having gone through it all, this beautiful little baby girl.

My baby absolutely loves the swing

2010-09-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

This is what a normal 9-5 looks like, in between diaper change and feeding. Oh how our lives had changed.

Let's be honest

2010-09-07T00:33:00.000-07:00

So let's be honest for a minute here.

As I sit here and the clock strike midnight (not literally), I look down at my little pumpkin (a nickname I lovingly given her by happenstance) and she looked up at me with her big steel eyes and the resentment I felt only seconds before began to melt away. I resented her for not allowing me just this one night to fall asleep by sleeping herself. I resent her for like clockwork, waking up yet again at midnight. I resent the fact that I have to sleepily reach for the light, the diaper, the bottle and always in that order, every single night in my half sleeping state. It's became such a habit that I can do it in my sleep, and I do. I resent her internal clock that tells her that the hours of midnight through 2:00 am are the hours to stay awake and reward her mama with piercing stares that goes straight to my heart. Okay, so I don't resent her for that last part.

As I stay up typing these lines while my pumpkin lies next to me in her bassinet trying to sooth herself back to sleep, making whimpering noises along with the rain white noise playing on the Sleep Sheep, I am plague with guilt for having been resentful at all. Here is a child that I had bore and birthed, who I am raising, shaping and molding, and all the while molding me. Despite the many emotions I had felt towards her on a daily basis, there is one emotion never fails to appear, love. I love this little being more than I can ever describe, more than I can ever imagine, more than I can ever hoped for. I relish the moments I rock my baby back to sleep.

Mommy must haves

2010-09-06T14:20:00.000-07:00

While I was pregnant, I really enjoyed reading about all of the Mommy Must Haves from other moms. Now that we're home with our baby for a month, we also have our own list of must haves. Here are my top fives:

1- Playtex Ventaire Advance

2 - Fisher-Price Papasan Cradle Swing

3 - Gerber 5 pack onesie

4 - Boppy Pillow

5 - Bassinet: Bertini Wood Bassinet

1 - Since we had to supplement feeding with formula, we used these bottles and they had served us so well. Because of the vent function, she doesn't get gas. The only downfall is that it has like 6 detachable parts that need to be detached during wash and it could be a pain to put back together. We haven't had much problem with it though, but maybe because we don't know any better because we never used anything else.

2 - The swing is a godsend. This one is very popular as I seen it used by many other parents. We purchased this on Craiglist and it was the best $50 we ever spent. Our baby loves sleeping in this thing and can sleep for hours and hours in it if we don't wake her up for change and feeding. This was also the only item that my OB recommend we get while we were pregnant, among many other mommies out there. They all were right. This is a must-have.

3 - Our baby has about 10 onesies - 5 of these in white and the other 5 in girly patterns. We recycle these and they are more than sufficient. Aside from these, she has very few other clothing items, which is fine because she's already growing out of these.

4 - Because we breast feed with formula supplemented, this pillow is also very handy in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep and find my arms slipping while I'm feeding her. Definitely not necessary as the same function can be found in using many pillows, but it's a nice to only have one additional thing among so many other baby stuff. Our room is piling up with baby stuff already, no need to add many more pillows on top of it all.

5 - Because we don't want to co-sleep with baby in our bed, this bassinet had been a must since we're uncomfortable putting her in her room right now while she's still so little. We borrowed this from a friend who recently had a baby 4 months prior since they don't use it and prefer to have their baby in their bed instead. It's great for us to not have to spend another $150 on something that she'll outgrow so fast and having to find a place to store it later on when she's done. We can just return it to them once we done and it doesn't cost us a dime.

While we can certainly survive with just these items and the other necessities (diapers, wipes, burp cloths, receiving blankets, binkies), we somehow managed to accummulate so much crap in our house still. Why do baby items have to come in so many colors and take up so much space?

A day in the life

2010-09-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been obsessed with reading about baby's sleeping patterns because after all, it is most relevant to my life at the moment. Since our daughter had been home for a month now, we are starting to establish some sort of normalcy in our life with a baby, which include incorporating her establishing habits and patterns.

Because some nights are more difficult than others (in terms of sleeping), here is our "normal" day with her in tow.

7am: wake up, diaper change, breast feed for about 20 minutes (which I believe gives her about 3 oz of milk). Supplement with another 2 oz of formula. Back to sleep for another 3 hours. This is when we co-sleep by bringing her out of her bassinet and into our bed. We don't do this everyday, but this is the only sleeping time where she sleeps with us.

10:30 am: wake up, diaper change, wipe down, cloth change, formula feed with 4 oz bottle, go downstairs, hang out for about an hour, nap for about 2 hours on the swing.

2:00 pm: wake up, diaper change, breastfeed, formula feed with 2oz bottle, take a 3 hour nap on the swing.

5:30 pm: wake up, diaper change, formula feed with 4 oz bottle, take a 3 hour nap on the swing.

6:00 pm: Mommy and daddy have dinner.

7:00 pm: bath time (on nights that we give her baths, typically on Wednesday and Sunday).

9:00 pm: wake up, diaper change, formula feed with 4 oz bottle. Hang out with Mommy and Daddy on the couch, read about 4-5 children's poem, sleeping on the swing.

11:30 pm: wake up, diaper change, breast feed, formula feed with 2oz bottle, swaddle try to rock to sleep. At this point, Lia tends to stay up and cannot be rocked to sleep. She typically stays up until 1am or 2am or 3am, depending on the night. There has only been a handful of days where she would go back to sleep after this feeding since week 2 and we simply cannot break this habit. This is also the time where her daddy and I take turn staying up with her and try to get her to sleep. Typically, if one is on duty, the other one go up to bed by 12am while the other one stays up with her downstairs until she falls asleep.

2:00 am: diaper change, formula feed (either breast+2 oz formula or 4oz formula without breast depending on who's on duty), swaddle, sleep, bring upstairs to sleep in her bassinet next to our bed. This is when she typically sleeps the longest either until 6am or 7am, where we repeat the day.

It's also worth to note that typically, she only poop during the day between the hours of 10am through 9pm. It amazes us that she typically does not poop during the night. Having said that, we do put Desitin on her at night as a preventive method for any diaper rash just in case we don't get to changing her immediately and she sleeps with poop or pee in her diaper for an extended amount of time. This is per her ped's recommendation.

Lia: month 1

2010-09-03T21:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Lia,

September 3rd, 2010. I can't believe that it's already been one month since your birth. Since that moment 31 days ago, we began to count the days, then the weeks and now we hit that one month point when the milestone are no longer counted in days. I dread the day when those milestones are celebrated in years. But for now, I cherish the moments when it can still be counted in months, starting with month 1.

My how these days contradict each other. The days are so long, but the month had passed in a blink of the eyes. You know what they say, in the space of a lifetime, the days are long but the years are short. It is so true.

You were born at a whooping 8 lbs 9 oz, discharged from the hospital 2 days later at 8 lb 5 oz, went to your first pediatric appointment the following day weighing at 8 lbs even, came back for your 2 weeks appointment clocking at 9 lbs 2 oz (75 percentile) and ending up at 10 lb 6 oz (unofficially) on your 1 month birthday. Your weight gain is a concrete sign that you are growing up just way too quickly for Mama's liking. Every ounce of my being of course want you to grow and thrive, but another part of me just want time to stand still at these very moments when you are curled up in my arms, helpless, dependent but yet already so full of personality.

This month with you was nothing like I had expected. There was so much joy, and there was a whole lot of frustration. There were nights of sleeplessness when neither I nor your daddy can rock you to sleep. Although you loved your swing in the first 2 weeks of life and would sleep in it for long stretches at a time, you began to develop preferences by the third week and you preferred to be held and rock to sleep. The third week was the most difficult when it comes to getting you to sleep at night. Even to today, we still don't know exactly how to do it yet, we continue to learn and grow with you as you learn and grow.

There were fears. There were moments when you choke on your milk that send us into a panic. There were hours where you sleep through that get us worried enough to try and wake you to ease our minds.

Establishing the routines and patterns to your feeding and sleeping schedule was so much more difficult than I had expected, waking up every 2 to 3 hours or 4 max was grueling. Not being able to go to bed together takes some getting used to for your daddy and I because one of us has to stay up and stay downstairs in the living room for 1) you like your swing and 2) so that the other person can get some sleep. Despite the difficulty around your sleep at night, you are such a great baby, sleeping so well through the day. You constantly sleep through 3 hour stretches waking up only to be fed and changed.

You feed so well, despite me not being able to produce enough milk to breast feed you exclusively. We supplemented you with formula starting at day 4, and you transitioned so well, always eating and thriving. Thank God for that.

You thrive so well that we sometimes forget that you are only 1 month old. At 8 days old, we took you to your first outting (except for your doctor appointment) starting with lunch with friends following with your first shopping trip to the mall. I can tell that you will be Mama's shopping buddy. We constantly hang out at friends' houses and you were always a good sport. At 26 days old, we took you to your first outing to the local farmer's market. The late summer days were so beautiful that we did not want you to miss your first summer days before the autumn days start to creep in. We are constantly reminded to not shelter you and let you thrive in your environment and let you be happy.

You are so happy. Boy, are you happy. Your infamous toothless grins are our constant reminders that you are happy, and that we are doing right by you. We love them. Continue to reward us with those and we'll never ask for any other payments from you. I look forward to the moments before you fall into deep sleep where your eyes roll back and you grin, making a big crooked circle with your mouth. We cherish these moments, and sometimes I don't remember to put you down because I'm mesmerized by your changing expressions. Already we can't imagine our lives without you.

This was a month of births. There were so many miracles happening around us, and we are so blessed to be one of the participants. You are our miracle. Every day I look at you, every time I look at you, I see so much of your daddy in you. On occasions, I see a little bit of me in you. Too often, your daddy and I joked at how little you take after me, even though I was sure I had the dominant genes. Even if I don't see my physical characteristics represented in you yet, you are truly your Mama's child in the way you sometimes sleep with your mouth open or in the few times you chuckle. You are our reminder of the miracle of our love, and we don't dare take that for granted.

You are so loved.

Mama

One month old (Lia's monthly photo)

2010-09-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

(I'll be taking Lia's monthly photo in this blue chair with monthly sticker)

Cool as a fan blade

2010-09-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

Literally.

This thing has all the bells and whistle of modern technology wrapped up in a vintage appearance. Best of both world. I purchased it (on sale) from Restoration Hardware and have been in love with it every since. It currently has a place of honor on our credenza in the living room. Everyone who visit loves it, but no one love it more than me.

Lia's birth story: part 5

2010-08-31T17:21:00.000-07:00

Lia's birth story: part 1

Lia's birth story: part 2
Lia's birth story: part 3
Lia's birth story: part 4

It is about time to start pushing. The lights are turned back on, and everyone takes their places. My sister is camera ready at the head of the bed. She was on strict order to 1) not stand at the end of the bed 2) not to take any crotch shot during the birthing process. She obediently followed. Joe took his spot on my left side and the nurse sat on my right side on the bed.

Well, upon her lifting my gown to do her usual examination, I had apparently done something very bad during the hour that I was able to sleep. At first, I didn't even know what I did, until I saw Joe's facial expression. He could not contain his laughter and I kept asking what was so funny, in which I did not get a response to. I look at the nurse, and she was business as usual while Joe continues to laugh. I remember for a split second that I was getting irritated that I was going to get mad until the smell hits me like a brick. As I was opening my mouth to ask "what is that sm...?" I realized what had happened. I had pooped.

My worse fear had came true. I was embarrassed and started hating myself for not having gone to the restroom earlier when I had the chance. I didn't know what to do at that point, and I haven't reached that point where modesty is out the window yet, so I just lied there. Thank goodness for a discreet professional nurse who just clean me up and back to business.

Per her instruction, we were going to do some practice pushes before the doctor comes in to see how I do. Given the circumstances, including me unable to feel my bottom half, I was relieved that we were going to practice before the real show begins. I was to take a deep breath, push for 10 counts, take another deep breath and do this 3 times with every push before I can rest.

She began to look at the monitor, and in the next indication of a contraction, I was going to push. So I pushed. I think the first one was kind of a mess, so I started getting more instructions in the next few pushes. I didn't push with every contraction, but with every other one. Joe was instructed to hold my leg up by my feet on my left while the nurse does the same on my right. I was to grab my hand behind my thigh, pull my legs up, come up and push into my anus, like I was taking a dump. So I did, even though I can't feel what I'm doing. I remember that the sensation in my right leg was better than on my left and I instructed Joe to make sure he holds on to it during the period of rest so it doesn't fall down. I was able to hold my right leg up okay.

After a couple of pushes, the nurse gave me one of those thing you breath into that goes over your mouth (not sure what they're called) to get more oxygen. I'm not sure if it helps at all, but I used it simply because I didn't want to talk. I just want to concentrate on pushing, and that was what I did. Push, rest in complete quiet and repeat.

We did this for about 15 minutes and then I rest. At this point, the nurse informs us that she's a little concern that when I push, the baby's heart rate dropped significantly, somewhere around 130 or so when it was consistently at 160-170. After 15 minutes of practice, we stopped while she went out. I just rest, and we didn't do a whole lot of talking.

She returned and we continued as we had. After 10 minutes of doing the same, Dr. K. came in and we greeted each other. I realized that it was early at about 5am. The doctor and the nurse get caught up with the progress up to this point, and we begin to push as is. The doctor just sat at my right side, observing my progress as I perform. Still at this point, I still don't feel a dang thing and it was not progressing differently that I was getting stage fright. I was afraid people were judging me.

After a few minutes of no significant change, the doctor spoke to us about the issue of the baby's heart rate. This is when I start to become concern myself. When the conversation turned into the possibility of using the vacumm or a C-section, I began to panic. As she continues to talk about why we would have to resort to either, I kept thinking we didn't prepare for this. Joe and I didn't even talk about it so how do we make the decision? Would I have to be the one to make the decision? Why didn't we talk about it? Were we so naive that we thought we were going to do this with flying colors? Why didn't we talk about it? I can't make a decision right then and there? What was the right decision? I can't think...I was all the more determined to get this little girl out at that point.

As I'm lost in my own thoughts, we continued to push as usual, skipping every other contraction and pushing every other ones. The nurse instructed me to not push my feet into her hands so much because it's wasted energy and it doesn't do anything for the progress. I tried my hardest to do what she instructed, but I think I was so conscious with my right leg that I still did what I wasn't supposed to do with my left leg where Joe was holding it up. I wanted to do everything right so we don't have to use the vacumm or worse have a C-section.

Joe continues to help the nurse count during the pushing and say encouraging words during rest. The nurse and the doctor said encouraging words about how good of a pusher I was, to just give them one more push like that, that the baby's head is right there, that there is a lot of hair. I felt like I was hearing the same words over and over again, but I can't feel progress. I can't feel anything...still. There was no pain, there was no pressure, just empty pushing. We continued on like that for about 20 minutes. I concentrated with all my might to push the right way, all the while looking at the monitor to see my daughter's heart rate. I was relieved to see that her heart rate did not dip as much as it did earlier. I wonder why despite having the conversation about vacumm and C-section, we didn't talk about it again. Maybe there's hope after all.

All of the sudden, the doctor told me to rest a bit, she stepped away from the sitting position she took at the right side of my bed, and began to suit up. When I say suit up, I meant suit up, with a full gown covering her whole body, there's a little mask she also put on, etc. I was wondering why all of the sudden, it's changed, but I couldn't muster the energy to ask, I could only concentrate on pushing. After everyone's geared up and ready to go, I was asked to move down the bed, the removed about a quarter of the bed completely and the stirrups went up. All of the sudden, I knew what was happening. This baby was coming.

Thank God, maybe a C-section was not needed after all, but the possibility of the vacumm was still there. I was going to push this baby out if it is going to kill me, and it may. But I was a determined soon-to-be mama.

So I push and I push and I finally thought I had this thing down. I knew I was doing it right when with every push, people get a little excited telling me that her head was right there. The next few pushes were the hardest ones I have experienced yet, because I was exhausted. I was so exhausted that by that 3rd set of 10 count, I simply could not push until 10. I just gave up at like 6 or 7 and I felt the need to apologize for it. At one point, it hits me as I stared at the teal/pink wallpaper border on the wall to concentrate my pushing that there's not a whole lot of sound coming out of this room. I was expecting terror screams, but I haven't made a single peep. I concentrated, I took a breath, and held my breath and pushed, but there was absolute silence from me. This is weird. It was nothing like I expected during pushing. There was no pain, there was no sound.

With each pushing, I saw the doctor's hands circling my vagina, almost to help open it up a little bit to help her come out easier.

All of the sudden, we were down the few final pushes. I felt like the pushes were coming closer, with shorter rest period. When the last push came, I did my 3rd set of 10 counts and everyone gets so excited and the doctor asked me to give it one more set. At this point I was so exhausted and amazed having pushed that last 3rd of 10 counts out that I didn't know how I was going to push for another 10 seconds without some rest. But I didn't give up, I took one last deep breath and pushed for another 10 seconds. I distinctively remember that that final set of 10 was the first and only time I let out a loud grunt because I simply cannot do it without it. And with that masculine grunt out, so did my daughter, who came out in one fell swoop. She didn't cry immediately, but almost instantaneously, she let out a big cry and I was so relieved. It's all done! She's here, she's crying and she's perfect!

Amelia Madeline, born at 5:45am on August 3rd, 2010, 8lbs 9 oz, 20.5 in long.

Penne pasta with meat sauce recipe

2010-08-30T23:53:00.001-07:00

I recently discovered the penne pasta with meat sauce recipe via Simply Recipe and really really liked it

Serving: 4

Ingredients:

1/2 lb of penne pasta
salt
2 tbsp olive oil
2 cups of chopped onions
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tsp Italian seasoning (blend of dried basil, oregano, rosemary, thyme, marjoram, and savory)
dash of pepper flakes
1/2 tsp of thyme (or a pinch of dried)
ground pepper
1 lb of ground beef
3 fresh basil leaf, chopped (or 1/2 tsp of dried)
2 1/2 cup of tomato sauce (or 1 28-oz can)
1 tsp sugar
1 tbsp of parsley, chopped

Direction:

Heat to boiling a large pot with 4 quarts of water in it. Once the water is boiling, salt it with 1 Tbsp of salt. Once the water returns to a boil add the pasta to the pot. Leave uncovered, let cook on high heat with a vigorous boil. Put the timer on for 8-10 minutes, or whatever your pasta package says is appropriate for al dente (cooked but still a little firm). Drain.
Once you've started to heat the water, start working on the sauce. Heat olive oil in a very large skillet on medium heat. Add Italian seasoning and red pepper flakes. Cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add the garlic, fresh thyme, season with salt and pepper. Cook for an additional minute, until the garlic is fragrant. Remove from heat and set aside.
Heat a large cast iron pan on high heat. Salt the bottom of the pan generously. Once the pan is hot, break up small chunks of ground beef and add them to the pan, without stirring. (You may need to work in batches; do not crowd the pan.) You want the meat to get well browned. If the pan is too hot and the meat is burning, not browning, take the pan off the heat for a little, and reduce the heat to medium high. On our coil electric stove, it takes the high heat setting for the meat to brown sufficiently, but your stove may be different. Once the meat is browned on one side (a couple of minutes), use a metal spatula to flip the meat over to brown on the other side. At this point, assuming you are using a cast iron pan, you can remove the pan from the heat. The residual heat in the pan will finish cooking the meat.
Use a slotted spoon to lift the meat from the cast iron pan and add it to the pan with the seasoned onions. Add tomato sauce. Use the edge of your metal spatula to break up the bigger chunks of meat into smaller pieces. Add basil. Add a teaspoon of sugar. Bring to a simmer on low heat, let cook, uncovered, for 15 minutes.
Once the sauce has simmered for 15 minutes, adjust seasonings. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add a little more sugar if the sauce is too acidic. Add more tomato sauce if the sauce is a little dry. Stir in the cooked penne pasta. Sprinkle with chopped parsley. Serve immediately.

Modification: I did not use any fresh herb or spices since I had all of these ingredients available dried. I used Classico brand tomato sauce since I also had it readily available in my pantry. I didn't use onions since we don't like it. Everything else is followed to the T.

Lia's birth story: part 4

2010-08-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Lia's birth story: part 1
Lia's birth story: part 2
Lia's birth story: part 3

Oh My god! The epidural. The worse procedure I have ever experience in my entire life.

Remember when I said I was going to be nice to all of the medical personnel I encounter during my hospital stay? Well, I was doing really well up to the point when I got the epidural, be it to the girl who stuck a needle in my arm and draw vials of blood from me or the nurse that constantly coming into my room and sticking her hand up my private parts. At around 1:30 am, I asked for the epidural and the anesthesiologist Dr. F arrived in my room at around 1:45 am to meet me. Since the paperwork for the administration of the drug had already been signed earlier in the day, he only stayed briefly to ensure I wanted the drug. He left and returned about 5 minutes later with the equipments.

At this point, there was a lot of thoughts rushing through my mind. On one hand, I was glad that he was not tied up in surgery somewhere and I was able to get the drugs to find some relief. On the other hand, it was all happening too fast, and I was not mentally prepared for such a procedure. I mean, I have never been in the hospital for anything, never even had an IV stuck in me, and now I'm about to get a BIG needle in my spine. This was the biggest procedure of my life and it was about to happen in any moment.

He returned only moments later, while I was still deep in my thoughts and fear and was ready to start. I wasn't ready, but reluctantly rose from my horizontal position in the middle of the pain and force a smile to greet Dr. K. He spent the next couple of minutes briefing me about the possible side effects of the procedure and all the while, I thought to myself that none of what he was saying was going to happen to me. I tried my hardest to think positive thoughts, because after all, for every horror story associated with the epidural, there is also a story of how well it went and that it was the best thing ever done. I was willing myself to belong in the latter category. Boy, was I wrong.

Hubby describing how big the needle was. For some reason, he thought it was funny.

The nurse had me sit upright, facing her. My husband was asked to sit down in a nearby chair to prevent any possible collapse since it had happened before, at the mere sight of the needle. This request sent him huffing and puffing to the chair claiming that he had seen much worse in his career as a U.S. Marine. To no avail, he sat down and the only hands I get to hold was the nurse, Lisa's.

I was asked to sit up with my back curled up so that my head to my hip makes a half circle. This position help open up the space between the vertebrae disks for easy access. It is also important to remain completely still during this process. None of this was news to me since I've read enough on the procedure to know what to do up to this point. What comes next can only be understood through experience, no matter how much you read about it or how much you talk about the experience with friends.

He first wiped down my back with some cleaning agent (iodine like). It was kinda cold but that was the least of my worry. Moments later, I was informed and felt the first poke into my back. It was the numbing drug and it did not feel good. The only way I can describe it is that I felt like my spine was a sponge, and the needle poked through it causing the sensation to be felt all over my body. It was a spine-tingling pain (no pun intended). Dr. F informed me that he was going to begin. At this point, I didn't know what was happening back there. All I could concentrate on was keeping my neck down, curling my spine, keeping very still (as still as I could muster anyways) during the contraction. If I was honest, I was probably so scared of the process that I didn't even notice the contraction at this point. However, I remember thinking that OMG, I am not able to keep as the needle goes in. Despite my best effort, I felt myself move and all I could think of was what if something goes wrong because I move. Luckily, nothing happened.

Although the numbing drug was already administered, I still felt the pain of the poke of the epidural needle. Unfortunately, it was not a seamless insertion. For some reason, I felt the first poke coming through (also a sponge-like pain), then I felt Dr. F continued to push in about 3 times, each time feeling as though he encounters some blockage. Then I felt the needle left my body, and re-inserted into a different place. The same pain repeats once the needle was in. Like I said, I didn't know what actually was happening on my back, all I know is what I feel. While I'm sure it's all happening very fast, I felt like it was taking forever and all I could concentrate on was the moment when all of this would end. It finally ended. I wish I could say that I felt the numbing sensation creeping up my legs and residing at my hip, but I didn't feel anything like that. I didn't feel anything at all. I was sitting with my legs crossed. There was a few seconds between the point when I stop feeling the pain of the needle to the point where Dr. F declared the procedure complete. This is the period where I did not feel anything, but I was relieved to hear that it was done and I was asked to move. I could not move.

I started panicking because I simply lost all sensation from my hip to my toes, as in all sensation. Nurse Lisa had to help me move my legs a few inches at a time to gauge my ability to move, which was none at all. Okay, so I guess I got a bit too much drug, but that should be alright right? It's going to wear off and I'm golden. Nope. For some reason, Dr. K doesn't like my inability to move and informed me that we would have to re-do it. This is when I panic. What do you mean we have to re-do the procedure? Can't you just turn it down or something? How is re-doing it going to fix it? Apparently, he informed me that the needle had gone in deeper than he would have liked, causing the drug to be too effective. Hmmm...okay.

Mentally, I was not ready for that experience again, but there I was, getting help to move back into position because by this point, I still can't move. So, in went the numbing drug again, and then the epidural. Although I was still able to feel the process, the pain was not as painful as the first time he did it. I'm guessing the numbing drug is in full effect at this point. Not sure. But again, I felt the needle come in, then came back out, and came in again. All the while, I kept thinking, "How is it that he could not get it right that he has to try 4 times?" Meanwhile he kept reassuring me that it's a bit difficult because the gaps between my disks were too narrow to find a good spot. I wanted to yell out, "HOLY SHIT!" but kept my mouth shut. I just wanted it to be over. Apparently, the second try (or in this case, the 4th insertion) finally was a good one, and we were done. He bound me up, putting some tape and what not back there and I was able to lie down (with help of course). This is where the testing began to gauge my reflexes. I'm not going to lie, during this process, I was a little worried that something had gone wrong and the worse case scenario ran through my mind that I might be paralyzed. However, I refuse to dwell in negative thoughts and hope that they know what they're doing.

They did the usual test, pinching my leg and applying wet cloth to it to see if I can feel any sensation. NOPE. At the end of it all, Dr. F decided that since I had such a high dosage during the first dose that he would turn off the drip for the time being until the drug runs through my system. I shouldn't need it to be turned on again for at least 2 hours. So, I was instructed to just lay back, relax and try to get some rest.

Before they get ready to go, Nurse Lisa gave me an internal exam. Upon lifting my gown, she realized that my water had broken at some point during the administration of the epidural. So, she cleaned me up, inserted a catheter in me, and examined me, at which point, I was 8 cm dilated. I went from 5 cm at the time of the induction at 11:00pm to 8 cm at 2:30am. The commotion starts to die down, Dr. K and Nurse Lisa left, the lights were turned off, Joe and my sister get into their respective chair and all of us were to try and sleep for a little bit. No such luck...again.

In 15 minutes, I started to feel the rush of sensation on my legs again and it was coming back fast and furious. As the sensation comes back in leg, so are the contractions. All of the sudden, my contractions hurt like a mother. They were strong and were only about two minutes apart now. After about 3 contractions like that, I turned on the light, got everyone's attention, and rang for the nurse. She came in immediately, and I recounted what happened to her. She left to ring for Dr. K who came almost immediately I think. I couldn't remember anything at this point because all I could concentrate on was the contractions. For the next 5 minutes (about 10 contractions, there was a lot of commotion.

Dr. K came in, asked me to recount what happened again. I tried to do it as fast as I could during the contractions, which absolutely left me breathless. He then fooled around with the IV for a little bit and start recounting what he is doing. He was surprised by how fast the last dosage ran through my system. What he thought would be a 2 hour event only happened in 15 minutes. Now that I needed more drugs, he was going to start turning on the drip slowly until we get to a good level. He started very low and kept asking me how the pain level was. It was still coming fast and furious, like I had no drug in my system at all. It was definitely a 9 if not a 10. He turned it higher, and we repeated the process of asking and answering questions. I was in pain, and I continued to be in pain for the next 5 minutes until all of the sudden, the pain ease even though the monitor says that I was about to peak at another one. That was when we found a good drip level. All was well again. He was comfortable to let it drip at that point and the commotion died down again. Everyone went back to their places. It was about 2:45 am at this point.

The next 1 hr and 15 minute was uneventful. It was the longest period of sleep I get that day. At one point, I woke up enough just to see that my sister and Joe were playing with the camera and a little blue Tiffany box. I guess that was my push present, but I went back to sleep.

By about 4:10am, Nurse Lisa came in to check on me. Apparently, I was fully dilated at this point at 10 cm. The hustle and bustle began again in the room. She left to page the doctor on duty to come in (apparently, she wasn't even there yet). She came back only a few minutes later, turned on the lights and informed me it was time...it was time to push. I was officially scared at this point. All the work in the last nine months were leading up to this very moment. The hard work was about to begin and I didn't know what to expect...